Financial Retard of the Month: The Simple Dollar Does It Again

This picture will make perfect sense in our next expose

 

He’s making it too easy for us. That self-important oracle, Trent Hamm of The Simple Dollar, created another fictitious mailbag out of the myriad emails he receives. Or as he puts it on his main page:

I do receive hundreds of questions per week,

Or as he put it a few weeks ago,

I’ll go very quickly through the thousands (yes, I do mean thousands) of emails built up during the week 

In this feature we’re not just going to make fun of the dull or pointless things he says, because if we did there’d be no room for anything else. Instead, we’re going to focus strictly on the dumb and the false. Here’s an email Trent recently concocted received:

I’ve read that you shouldn’t pay more than 25% of your monthly take-home pay for housing costs.

Background info: I have an emergency fund of $7,000, I have no debt, I am 26, female, and I currently rent (living alone), paying $860/month for a one-bedroom apartment.

We’re not sure why “her” sex is relevant, or why “she” mentioned it at all, especially since “she” signed off with a woman’s name. Anyhow, “she” also gives some other information about her finances, and as women and Trent do, takes 4 paragraphs to get to the point: wanting to know if she should rent or buy a place to live.

Trent’s sage advice includes:

From my perspective, if you’re putting much more than 25% of your income toward your housing, you’re starting to put yourself in a risky situation.

No way! “Lauren” repeated a piece of folkloric homespun wisdom, and Trent seconded it exactly! Kind of like the time Control Your Cash ran a question from the woman who’d heard that male personal finance bloggers are extremely well-endowed, and wanted confirmation.

Anyhow, Trent recommends that “Lauren”

get a mortgage quote, then run some calculations on it. 

Really? So if a person wants to choose between items A and B, and knows how much A costs, you believe she should determine how much B costs before she proceeds?

We can’t argue as to whether Trent or “Lauren” is the bigger imbecile, since they’re the same person. However, we can have a legitimate debate as to whether Trent/”Lauren” or Trent’s average reader is stupider. Anyone who finds any of the advice in Trent’s mailbag to be actionable is clearly forgetting to exhale once in a while.

He’s not done. Here’s the next (and final) line, with nothing omitted:

The housing market is depressed enough right now that I would not look at a home as an investment in the short term.

YES, BECAUSE WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO BUY WHEN PRICES ARE LOW? Does his helper monkey even proofread this stuff for logical coherence before pressing “Publish”?

How about loosening another belt notch on your husky Today’s Man slacks and writing something that makes sense? Don’t worry, we’ll do it for you:

The housing market is depressed enough right now, and mortgage rates similarly low, that there will never be a better time to buy a house. Or houses. A passive income stream will do more for your bottom line than all of my penny-shaving recommendations combined.

In any other blogger’s mailbag, that’d be the most laughable response of the week. But this is Trent Hamm, proprietor of The Simple Dollar. He probes depths that the bathyscaphe Trieste wouldn’t plunge to:

My 75 year old mother is in mediocre health. She’s losing the place she’s living in and needs to move in the new year.

I will be earning a big chunk of money in the first part of the new year and would like to buy a home for her to live in…

Pretty straightforward, right? Well, it’s straightforward if you edit out all the irrelevant details that Trent puts in to make the “reader” sound more human. This one’s another female, by the way. Why any woman would seek his advice after he told the entire distaff half of the species to swim in their underwear, we have no idea. Anyhow, he tells “Sheila” not to worry because time is on her side:

I would rent an apartment for her. If her health is slipping, it’s likely that the period of time you would rent would be limited.

We’ll get to the obvious objection in a second, but is Trent’s reading comprehension so awful that he can’t remember what his own blog said just a few lines earlier? “Mediocre” means average. It’s static, and doesn’t imply a direction. Trent took it to mean “slipping”, which makes us wonder exactly where he graduated among the cab drivers and slaughterhouse workers in his ESL class.

And oh yeah, he just told a reader that a great way to save on housing expenses is to wait for your mother’s imminent death.

We’ll ask this now, before the inanity of The Simple Dollar becomes a weekly feature: is this all an intricate joke, and we’re the patsies? If you were a resourceful online comedian who wanted to create a parody of an everyman dispensing financial advice, wouldn’t you give him a forgettable work history, a green golf shirt, 2.3 kids and a home in Nowhere, Iowa? No real person can be this earnest, this humorless, this insipid, this cheap, and this consistent about it.  Here, read an entertaining mailbag instead.

What Makes A Stock Drop Like A Hailstone?

NOTE I: 

Welcome to our ProBlogger readers, wondering what you stumbled upon and whether it applies to you. (Unless you’re a trust-fund brat, it does.) This is the one personal finance blog that will not only help you build wealth, but periodically enrage you while doing so. More here

NOTE II: 

To our regular readers who didn’t understand the previous paragraph, we wrote a piece on ProBlogger. Does it apply to you? Absolutely it does! It’s the detailed explanation of why we don’t allow comments on the site. If you want to contact us, try Twitter. Or Facebook.

_______________________________________________________________________

Let’s look at Monday’s biggest percentage losers, among companies with market capitalizations of at least $1 billion:

Multiple choice quiz time. What single event could cause a company’s stock to lose 28% in a day?

  1. CEO strips naked, runs into local TV studio during 5 pm newscast.
  2. Company executives plead guilty to multiple counts of fraud and embezzlement.
  3. Customers develop necrotizing fasciitis after touching company’s product.
  4. Lawsuits, or the threat thereof. And government regulation, or the promise of same.

Based near Grand Rapids, Michigan, Gentex makes auto-dimming rear view mirrors, and rear cameras for you people who think clueless children riding on tricycles behind parked cars are worth saving. Gentex also makes dimmer switches that are supposed to replace the shades on airplane windows. The company got its start in the 1970s by selling smoke alarms.

A month ago, Gentex got sued by a competitor who claimed that Gentex infringed on a patent for improved car headlamps.

Furthermore, Gentex was banking on the promise of those dead and dismembered children. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration was supposed to mandate rear cameras on all new cars, an obvious windfall for market leader Gentex. And an obvious hassle for the rest of us, who’d each be paying $200 or so more for a new car. But the NHTSA hasn’t made a decision yet, and doesn’t plan to until the end of the year. (As for what backover accidents have to do with a government bureaucracy whose name implies a mandate for highway traffic, we’re not sure.)

Next up is DeVry, which announced that it’s getting harder to lure students. For one reason, the other for-profit colleges are ramping up admissions. Also, after decades of cluelessness, traditional colleges are figuring out that they can offer online education without compromising their precious accreditation.

Bruker is a German manufacturer of x-ray machines, spectrometers and stuff. Bruker committed the least forgivable sin of all, failing to meet analysts’ expectations. A single disappointing earnings report led to Monday’s fall, illustrated here:

 

Elan is an Irish drugmaker. Why did its shares fall by 1/6? One word. Bapineuzumab! Or if you prefer, C6466H10018N1734O2026S44. 

It’s an Alzheimer’s treatment, and it hasn’t done so well in recent trials. Alzheimer’s patients didn’t respond any better to bapineuzumab than they did to placebos, even among the patients who thought the placebos were jelly beans and tried to shove them in their ears. Elan produced bapineuzumab in conjunction with Eli Lilly, Johnson & Johnson and Pfizer (OMG collusion!) all of which took smaller if still significant hits.

And Lexmark you’ve probably heard of. Based out of Lexington, Kentucky, they make printers. (And would presumably be named “Virginmark” if they were based out of Virginia Beach. Not funny? Go to hell.) Lexmark got wounded by the same problem that hit Bruker – either weak results or unduly optimistic analysis by the forecasters.

Lexmark’s 3rd-quarter profits were 75-85¢ a share. This for a stock that trades around $18. In a vacuum, that sounds pretty good. In a world where analysts have determined that Lexmark should have made 89¢ a share this quarter, it’s cause for panic. Fleeting panic, anyway.

What’s the point? 2 points, actually:

  • It’s still a marathon and not a sprint. Unless you’re 98 years old, in which case we take it back, it’s a sprint.
  • Don’t let analysts make decisions for you.

Meeting projections is what Soviet central planners did. A relatively free economy doesn’t lend itself to narrow projections, especially among independent analysts to whom a public company is an abstraction, a prospectus, a series of symbols.

If your question is which stocks to avoid, understand that a stock only becomes worthless when the market renders the underlying company obsolete (Research in Motion, any minute now), or if it turns out that the emperor never had any clothes to begin with (Enron). And dying companies don’t die suddenly, at least not on run-of-the-mill news like one of many new products not doing well in tests. Or 3rd-party expectations not being met.

Gentex remains a market leader, and the NHTSA’s refusal to mandate rear cameras seems like a mere deferment, rather than a policy change. (“What? You just want children to die?!”)

Elan is still in a burgeoning industry, one that won’t be going anywhere until we learn how to genetically engineer babies in the womb. Lexmark is still profitable, and trading at barely 4 times earnings. (At a 3-year nadir, no less. Just like Gentex.)

DeVry has an attractive price-to-earnings ratio too, under 7, and it’s easy to see its low price (a 7-year nadir) as a buying opportunity. But it’s also the only company on the list of today’s biggest losers whose business model might be getting rapidly outdated. (Apollo Group, the parent company of the University of Phoenix, is in a similar position.)

DeVry enrolment is down 20% from last year, which we’re taking as a good sign – fewer people will spend a semester at night school when there’s the possibility of actually working instead. For-profit graduates are also learning, for lack of a better word, that a DeVry degree in justice administration or business communications just doesn’t mean what it used to.

(Which is a joke, of course. It never meant anything.)

Traditional colleges don’t have that problem. They’ve managed to convince kids and parents that there are irreplaceable benefits to a college education, and that belief is a hard one to uproot. Furthermore, traditional colleges have endowments, legacies, and football programs that make money without having to pay the players. Also, such colleges don’t have shareholders. If the University of South Florida (or more aptly, Penn State) had a board of directors instead of regents, the liquidation would have started a while ago.

Which isn’t to make this a jeremiad against higher education. We do that often enough as it is. Instead, we implore to never invest without thinking. And to understand the difference between a daily blip that’s ultimately meaningless, one that will soon be forgotten; and the recognition of a major shift in a particular economic sector.

THINK. While you’re at it, stay emotionless. If you’re among the poor unfortunates who own Gentex stock, think of today as an opportunity to engage in some dollar-cost averaging. If we’d lost on DeVry stock (or on Apollo Group), we’d bail.