Carnival of Wealth, ephemeral edition

“Damn straight we’re gonna play 2!”

Today, the Carnival of Wealth. Tomorrow, the Best of Money Carnival.
Yes, we’ve decided to host back-to-back carnivals. We’ll be looking at the world through a cotton candy haze (for our Canadian readers, a “candy floss haze”) until regaining our footing next week. How did this blue-moon curiosity happen? Well, we agreed to host the latter carnival months ago. Some time before that, we’d started hosting the Carnival of Wealth on the first Sunday of every month. A few weeks ago we ended up taking over the Carnival of Wealth permanently, which meant creating a new carnival every Sunday. We looked at the schedule, realized we’d committed to host the Best of Money Carnival this coming Monday, and…here we are. Like February 29 or a Cubs World Series appearance, relish this unusual event while it happens. Here comes Carnival No. 1:

Batting leadoff, from our Tired Metaphor department comes Kyle James pinch-hitting* for Fanny at Living Richly on a Budget, who likens the recent stock market gyrations to a roller coaster ride. Whee! Kyle gives us 4 ways to manage our “personal economy”. He thinks you should sdflkcvx,mzzzzzzzz….sorry. He thinks you should build an emergency fund and that if you carry any credit card debt, you should…here, we’ll make it multiple choice:

a) not pay it down
b) pay it down.

Echo, the fils of the mother-and-son team Boomer and Echo, writes about “how to thrive and survive as a single-income family.” After Mrs. Echo cranked out a kid, the Echoes had to economize. And budget. And defer big purchases. On the other hand, they now get to clean feces out of diapers and wake up at 3 a.m. to high-pitched screaming, so it wasn’t a total loss.

Thanks to Jon the Saver for reinforcing why we get down on our knees every night in gratitude and praise to the God of our parents’ choice for letting us escape from the festering stinkhole that is the modern office. Basically, he tells you not to goof off at work. The More You Know.

Flexo at Consumerism Commentary understands that most people leave money on the table because they don’t even know that discounts exist. Case in point, your property taxes. Convince the taxing authority that your house is worth less than its deemed value, and you could save a lot on your next bill. (Fun typo: “review it quickly and repeal [appeal] right away”.) If only it were that easy.

(Deleted link farm post. Australian International Travel Insurance site, step your game up.)

The payroll tax! Yes, government administering a penalty for the one thing that makes the economy grow. Madison du Paix at My Dollar Plan discusses the temporary reduction in the payroll tax from 6.2% to 4.2%, and what’ll happen when it goes up again.

A wag at Cracked recently questioned why all the companies trying to sell you gold as an inflation hedge take currency as payment. Consumer Boomer (no relation to the Boomer of Boomer & Echo notoriety) thinks gold might be approaching bubble status.

It’s hard to determine which is the biggest scam in all of commerce – new vehicle rustproofing, or weddings. It’s one thing for a couple to consciously impoverish themselves, something different when they get their friends involved. Sustainable Personal Finance dropped $520 as a groomsman, or 13 times more than a marriage license costs. (Also, SPF felt the need to point out that in regard to bachelor parties, “my group of friends has little interest in going to strip joints.” Completely coincidentally, his wife is his blogging partner.)

We’d always assumed the hosts of My University Money were young. But this week Teacher Man, who apparently is 90 years old, takes a break from lecturing his great-grandchildren to explain the perils of orientation week to incoming college freshman. Our favorite line is this self-congratulatory closer before the obligatory series of questions that every blog post is supposed to end with:

Man I wish some anonymous angel had given me this “how to” guide for my first week.

Man, I hope someone at the Library of Congress records this blog carnival for posterity’s sake, because it’s awesome.

Next week on Control Your Cash, we’re going to do a long post about how to walk on the moon and what you need to do to prepare for it. We’ve never walked within a quarter-million miles of the moon, only had fantasies about it, but why should that stop us from speaking authoritatively on the subject? Enter Jo Robinson at Totally Money, who offers tips for starting a business during a recession. Her qualifications?

My business idea is to have a beautiful artisan shop selling organic produce and loads of home-made goodies, maybe even somewhere you can have a coffee as well.

So yeah, listen to her sage advice.

Like a mom clinging to her kid who’s gone off to college, Arohan of Value Stock Guide likes to check in weekly. (Yes, Arohan, we’re getting enough to eat and studying hard. Thanks for asking. We miss you too.) The former host of the carnival comes with an interesting post about Apple as an investment. Even though the stock’s risen 47% in the last year, Arohan thinks it’s still trading at a discount.

It would be exceedingly poor form not to include tomorrow’s regular carnival barker, FMF of Free Money Finance; largely because his posts are always well-written and provoke plenty of thought. This week he wanted to look at which strategy would help you make the most over your career — starting at a higher salary, or getting larger annual increases. Rather than just openly wonder, he sat down and analyzed the options.

Consecutive correctly spelled, helpful posts? Believe it! This one comes from Investor Junkie, who pours a ton of cold water on the notion that a risk-free investment exists. He not only classifies the multiple risks inherent in even the safest investment, but explains how some risks are insidious and invisible.

*Yes, we’re aware that a pinch-hitter can’t technically bat leadoff. Unless it’s for the home team, and in the middle of the 1st inning a position player had left the game and was scheduled to bat first.

Financial Retard of the Month

Time for a new feature on Control Your Cash, where we’ve taking to scouring the internets to find personal finance bloggers we can hold up as examples of what not to do with your money. We’re thinking of doing this weekly, although we could probably feature a different retard every hour.

Our heroine (artist's conception)

Today’s honoree is Sallie’s Niece, who lives in New York state and is busy creating an anti-nest egg. (NOTE: We’re not providing links. She doesn’t need the traffic from a popular blog like ours. But you really should witness this foolishness firsthand.)

Her disclaimer (everyone has a disclaimer, except us) starts off with the funny:

I am in NO way qualified to answer any financial questions

You’ll find out why shortly. The “Sallie” in question is Sallie Mae, the money-losing boondoggle that enables people ostensibly on the cusp of adulthood to defer productivity for years if not decades. To hear the niece in question describe it, 



I’m a 30 (gasp!) year old professional woman struggling to pay off my student loans, live on a budget, and plan for the future.

Here at Control Your Cash, we’re old enough to remember when “professional” meant something. It meant that you were a doctor or an engineer, not that you simply had a job.

Guess how many student loans this financial drain took out? Remember, she’s an individual, not sextuplets.
SIX. Six freaking student loans. Including a law school loan that she managed to pay off. We’ll let you know the parade route once it’s scheduled. Rounded to the nearest thousand, her remaining loans total $40,000, $33,000, $21,000, $19,000 and $6,000. For a total of $118,000, a debt which no 30 (gasp!) year-old should incur unless she’s buying a house.

Still got some food remaining in your gullet? Here’s an emetic we can all enjoy. This woman works in some level of government and is, well, we’ll quote the original source:

Assuming I make the same salary for the next 6 years I will have contributed about $14,000 to my pension. Then I stop contributing but keep working for at least 10 more years. How much do I get?
Using a final average salary of $49,312, when I am 57 years old I will have 30 years of service credit. I will thus be eligible for a Single Life Allowance of $29,587 a year. That’s 60% of my final average salary. All for contributing just $14,000! This is totally morbid but even if I only collect for one year I am getting 2x my money back!

Why are state and municipal governments (to say nothing of the big one in Washington) drowning in debt? No idea whatsoever. Can’t quite place our finger on it.

Where would your priorities be if you were carrying $118,000 in student loans, while financing a laptop; carrying a credit card (you’re not going to believe this, but there’s credit card debt, too); borrowing money from a friend, a fiance-cum-husband and your mom; and aren’t even organized enough to pay your water bill on time? Don’t know about you, but we’d spend $7000 on a wedding!

You know, that change in your legal status that any justice of the peace can handle if you spend $40 on a license. But what’s the fun in that, when you can spend $6,960 more? You’d have to be crazy to apply that money to your student loan balances instead.

It’s the brazenness that gets us more than anything else. One of this woman’s stated goals is to increase her net worth to -$100,000 this year. She hopes to one day achieve the rarefied financial air of her husband (she calls him “DH”, for “dear husband”, and isn’t that precious?), who last clocked in at a robust -$15,000.

She uses terminology such as “fun money”, which we can only assume goes for pedicures and other non-assets. Listen: if you’re $100,000 in the hole, you don’t get “fun money”. You get debt reduction money, and maybe a buck or two to feed and clothe yourself with.

People often ask the CYC principals how we’ve managed to lead lives of relative affluence. Two answers. One, read the book. Two, by not doing the same idiotic, self-destructive crap that other people do. This doesn’t require anything beyond a 1st-grade comprehension of math. At its absolute most basic, income > expenses. Replace the > with a = or a <, and you can’t build wealth. Even if you’re sucking at the public teat like our friend Sallie’s Niece.

Here’s our favorite line from her archives, from April:

(The husband and I) recently combined finances.

Oh, this is going to end spectacularly. If you’ve never heard Mark Steyn’s line about dog feces and ice cream (or in this case, dog feces and slightly less pungent dog feces), Google it.

It gets even better. She donates to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, completely unaware that she’s the charity case. What’s the best way to help poor people? Not adding to their ranks. This isn’t a case of there always being someone less fortunate than you. This is a case of needing to get your own house in order before vacuuming the neighbors’ carpets.

(NOTE: We’d originally used American Cancer Society as our example in the preceding paragraph, but a couple of clicks later we found she’s also donating to the starving unfortunates who run taxpayer-sponsored television that nobody watches. In her words, “I can’t imagine a world without PBS.”)

$200 concert tickets. Trips to Mexico. A “fabulously unfrugal (sic) Hawaiian honeymoon.” She used boldface 24-point type with exclamation points to announce when her consumer debt got down to $122,000. And there’s also:

The base price of my (wedding) dress is $1100, plus planned alterations of $150 and taxes of $104, the total comes out to be $1354.

It never stops. You know what? Forget about the two-pronged advice we just gave about how to build wealth. Instead, simply do the exact opposite of everything Sallie’s Niece does and you’ll be swimming in it.

Make sure you read the congratulatory comments, too. If there’s one thing we Americans do better than anyone else, it’s celebrate non-achievement. Like the morbidly obese woman who shrinks from 800 pounds down to 780, and whose case worker commemorates the meaninglessness by passing out hugs and Pixy Stix. Instead of celebrating the woman who’s always weighed 120 pounds and who goes to the gym every day and eats healthily to maintain that weight.

Oh, and sure enough, Sallie’s Niece is fat. It stands to reason: if you’re grossly undisciplined in one aspect of your life, you’ll be grossly undisciplined in most of them. We couldn’t locate any pictures of her, but people who aren’t fat don’t join Weight Watchers. (Nor do they join a gym as a New Year’s resolution, the surest sign that those pounds are not only staying on but inviting some friends to join them.)

Also, it’s a cleft palate, not a “cleft palette”. (Worst art supply ever.) Look, it’s one thing to make worse financial decisions than a Holstein cow would make. What we don’t understand is why she considers her stunning lack of acumen to be something worth sharing with the world.

And she smokes. Of course. And she “could use a Halloween costume.” (Again, 30 [gasp!] years old.)

Damn. The Chinese can’t invade our shores us fast enough.

**This article is featured in the Carnival of Personal Finance #324: The Universe Edition**