Who are you trying to impress?

These two hate each other, but at least they didn't spend $30,000 for the privilege.

Skirts and malleable men, this one’s directed at you. Spending money on a wedding is one of the surest, most effective ways of getting your financial life off to a treacherous footing. The average American wedding costs $30,000 from ring to honeymoon. And despite their effervescent exteriors, wedding planners are among the most opportunistic agents in all of commerce. They know that you’re the best kind of customers there are – people who are too terrified to concern themselves with budget, for fear of looking cheap. Especially in the eyes of their betrothed.

If you’re young, and getting married at the traditional age, then you don’t have any net worth to speak of yet. Or at least, you don’t have so great a net worth that you can afford to “invest” some of your valuable assets in a ceremony that doesn’t pay any returns. And if this isn’t your first wedding, act your age. You already had your shot at glamor and pageantry. Treat this wedding like the requisite business transaction it is.

A wedding is not only a perpetual spring tradition, it’s an obscene commitment of time and money, in exchange for breadmakers and fondue sets you will never, ever use. You’ll also get photographs that there’s a 34% chance you’ll end up ceremoniously ripping in half within a few years. If we told you that your $30,000 car had a 3-in-1 chance of getting clobbered by an asteroid (Note: insurance policy does not cover acts of asteroid), would you buy it?

There’s another argument we haven’t demolished yet, the microtine one. Your best friend from college invited you to her wedding, and she had jugglers and dancing bears. Elton John sang and played the piano, and the entrée was fricasseed Yangtze River dolphin, swimming in a reduction of alba truffles and Château Mouton Rothschild sauce. Every guest got a gift bag with a Krugerrand inside.

If you take your friend’s lavish wedding as the benchmark that your wedding needs to meet or exceed, then welcome. You clearly made it to ControlYourCash.com by mistake. Stick around for a while, maybe you’ll learn something. Although it’s going to require more than a little deprogramming.

Here are two appropriate ways to get married – the first if you’re religious, the second, if you’re secular.

Go to your parish priest, minister, rabbi, or local fat woman who could never meet men and calls herself a witch. Then rent out the church on a Saturday/synagogue on a Tuesday/coven during the daytime. Ask the celebrant what the going rate is, then give an extra 10% in recognition of all the money you’re saving by not getting married in the conventional and dimwitted way. (Of course, you’ll be paying with cash or a check.) Invite as few friends and family as you can get away with to the ceremony. Here’s an unquestionable truth – with the exception of your mother, no one wants to be sitting there anyway, in uncomfortable clothes on a perfectly good day when they could be out enjoying life. It’s a social obligation all around, so don’t you owe it to everyone to at least make the event as painless as possible?

If you absolutely need to celebrate with friends, meet at a local bar and convive. Rent out a nearby yacht club if you still can’t convince yourself that you need to spend some amount of unnecessary money in order to properly embark upon married life, which is going to be enough of a struggle as it is. Yes, your adorable niece can still be a flower girl. Let her parents buy her dress, though.

For females, if you feel that having a modest wedding is denying yourself some ritual of womanhood, shake yourself. Most rituals of womanhood are overrated anyway. Care to relive the first time you wore heels? How about menarche?

You know what? Go ahead and splurge on the honeymoon if you want. Seriously. You’re going to bitch about how Spartan the wedding was anyway, so at least this way you can justify your innate need for self-indulgence.

If you’re not religious, find a justice of the peace or a nondenominational minister who does house calls. Hold the ceremony at someone’s parents’ house. If you want, put the bride’s most pathetic friend in charge of ordering flowers (2 dozen, no more) and calling a caterer (two entrees, max, and not salmon.) Said friend probably has lots of free time on her hands anyway, so you might as well put it to use.

Princess Beatrice and Joey Buss can be as ostentatious as they want and charge it to their parents’ credit cards. For the rest of us, a wedding isn’t meant to be a display of our family’s legacy. It’s a financial liability, however obligatory, to minimize the impact of. Freeing up important resources for you to buy assets with.

A post with no dollar figures

 

Came early. Stayed late. Died.

The firmly entrenched and the entrepreneurs can read the archives this week. We’re concentrating on the recent college graduates and the people switching jobs. For you, we offer a stratagem that’s so simple to execute that most people never see it. It takes a few minutes, and it cannot be more important. It’s one of the biggest examples of leverage you’ll ever find.

Time is money, right? What Ben Franklin meant by that, in case it’s not obvious, is that you have the opportunity to put every hour to its best economic use. Giving away the store to your boss is not one of them.

Get to work on time, not before. Take the time off you’re entitled to. Punch that clock like it’s the nose of a shark. If you don’t, you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of servitude. Your employer is your employer, not your massa. Set the terms out at the start of your tenure. We can’t overemphasize this. (Yes, you can set terms, instead of having them dictated to you. Accepting the job in the first place was your decision, right?)

Once you’re on the job there’ll be pressure, and not a little of it, to do the opposite of the advice you’re currently digesting from a disembodied voice on the internet. Who gives less than everything yet expects to get ahead? If you’ve never thought about this, hearken. The employees with the least going on in their lives, and the least ambition (or at least, the least ambition outside of trying to do as much as possible for the company) often dictate the workplace conditions. Along with complicit bosses.

Whether your directive is a written contract, a relevant phrase in an employee handbook, or just the climate of the workplace you’re joining, more often than not you’re still expected to come early, stay late, work through lunch and sacrifice the occasional weekend. Unless you absolutely live for what you do, which the overwhelming majority of us don’t, do not do any of the above. Your job shouldn’t define you, but neither should the overage on your commitment to your employer. You owe your employer a fixed number of hours. Your employer owes you a fixed number of dollars. The ratio of dollars to hours should thus stay constant until both parties agree to change it.

It gets far harder to do this the longer you stay in the job. If you’ve been donating labor to your employer labor every week in your six months on the job, superiors and coworkers who have come to expect your charity will notice when you deny it to them. Make it clear on your first day, when it’s 5:01 and you’re nowhere to be found, that you’re playing a more complicated game than the one in which you nail yourself to a crucifix in the hopes of getting noticed. Of course, this means you really have to bust it during the time when you are on the job, which you should be doing anyway.

If you spend 3 years in your position, getting there 10 minutes early every day, working a mere 7 minutes into lunch, and sticking around 23 minutes after the de jure end of the average workday, congratulations. You’ve sacrificed an entire quarter’s salary in the hopes that your employer noticed you and recommended you for advancement. You know, so you can do more of the same, for each tier of middle management you choose to slog through.

Sure, the promotions usually go to the employees who make the biggest show of their loyalty. That’s not how capitalism is supposed to work. You say you have to donate your time to preserve your job? Nonsense. Even when 9.7% of the nation is out of work, this strategy doesn’t affect your individual case. If you’re so incompetent that giving away additional time is the only way you can get your work output up to an acceptable level, you need to find something or somewhere else.

But if you’re capable in your job, spend that extra 40 minutes a day that you would have spent at the office reading the Control Your Cash archives. Or shopping mutual funds. Researching discount brokers. Looking for investment properties. Anything to spur passive income, rather than the active income that you will almost certainly never get wealthy off.

The traditional means of getting ahead is self-defeating. There’s more to life than hoping the person who gives you your active income notices you, which is a form of prostitution. (Or what else would you call giving away time, equated with money, in exchange for attention?) If you truly love what you do for a living, whether it’s selling radio air time, mining coal, preaching the Gospel, playing an instrument, determining who holds title on property, or cooking short-order meals, step back and examine where you are for a second.

Congratulations on finding your calling, if that’s what you want to call it. Why are you doing it for someone else, who takes a cut?