How To Stay Poor In However Many Easy Steps

My mom's doing tequila shots at Coyote Ugly right now. Thank God I can spell.

Take a vacation. You earned it!

You need to get away. You also need to spend less than you earn and invest the difference, but Carnival Cruise Lines doesn’t stop at the Port of Personal Responsibility. Nor are there daiquiris.

Yes, everyone needs to get away once in a while. Or spend on something beyond the basics. Money is meant to be enjoyed, at least some of it. But what a lot of people forget is that there’s still a window you have to operate in, contingent on your net worth and cash flow. This is not opinion. Concentrating on the result (your senses experiencing something pleasant) without paying attention to the effort rendered to achieve it (a commitment of your money) is insane. Rich people pay attention. It’s not why they’re rich, but it’s a leading indicator.

Rich people don’t want to commit a lot of their money, either – relative to what they have. No one in the top quintile of net worth is going to spend 3% of that net worth on an extravagance. People in the lower quintiles do it all the freaking time. That’s why they’re there, and the rich are where they are.

Here’s another way to cloud reality: justify an indefensible expense as being “for your kids”. For instance, “We’re taking our kids to Disneyland.” Congratulations, you painted yourself into a virtuous corner. Now, if you don’t take your kids to The Happiest Place On Earth, failing to do so would make you a parent who doesn’t love her (you’re probably a woman) child enough. Other people do it, why not you?

Number 1, screw other people. Number 2, what are you working for? If you have to choose between a smile on Junior’s face today and not having to move in with him 45 years from now, what are you going to pick? If you refuse to answer that question, or say “the smile”, you should find a less demanding blog. Here are four of them.

Here’s another handy phrase you can use to explain away your inability (REFUSAL) to build wealth:

“(Name of your indulgence) (present tense of positive verb) me.”

For instance, “My BMW 7-Series excites me. It makes me feel good.” The rest of my life sucks, my job is torture, but these 544 horses know how to snap me out of my funk.

Good for you. They’re probably also impoverishing you, if that’s the kind of thing that concerns you. Maybe it doesn’t, and if so then why are you reading this site?

Every time we say something heretical like that we have to spend undue time explaining it, because some readers aren’t that bright. Maybe reading the explanation will make them smarter. Here goes:

We’re not saying you shouldn’t buy a luxury car. Or a trip to Disneyland. Or whatever it is you want to buy. The only thing you should do is know your place. Michael Jordan gets to squander $300,000 in one night in the high-roller salon at Caesars Palace. You don’t. Why? Because he’s Michael freaking Jordan, that’s why. Alright, maybe that’s still not clear. Because he has a net worth somewhere in the 9-digit range. There, is that better? Gambling is still stupid, and indeed Jordan was dumb enough to lose half his fortune in what was simultaneously one of the most sadistic and masochistic divorce settlements in human history, but he can still withstand the losses. You can’t.

Your neighbor bought a boat, you say? Good for him! Did you see the bill of sale? How about the financing agreement?

Doesn’t matter. I want a boat I want a boat I want a boat.

Well, you’re also getting knowledge, whether you want it or not. You can pay $30,000 for a standard deck boat. Most people don’t have that kind of cash lying around. But if they do, and are also the kind of people who fancy themselves mariners, they’re probably not going to buy a $30,000 Tahoe. They’re going to buy a $140,000 boat and spend the next however many years paying interest on it.

“However many” doesn’t mean 3 or 4, either. It means 5, 8, 10, “or even 12 is not unusual.”

Not to focus on boats, that’s just one example. Swimming pools, jewelry, even (relatively inexpensive) expensive clothes. If you can find a merchant who’ll sell it to you on credit, and it’s not a necessity (and thus, by definition, a luxury), it’s not that you can’t afford it. You can’t, that’s not the point. The point is that you’re committing tens, hundreds, thousands, or tens of thousands of future dollars to whatever item it is you just can’t say no to, beyond its listed price. This is so simple that observing it hardly counts as conscious thought, but you know that credit card bill that you pay the minimum balance on every month? The one that’s going to take you 17 years to pay off at your current pace? It’s not just a uniform morass of cash. It’s that 99¢ iTunes download, now $1.78 with interest. It’s that $5 Quizno’s sub you didn’t think anything of at the time because, you know, $5. Even though it’s ultimately costing you $8.69. Some people justify the big purchases (see above), but no one even bothers to justify the everyday ones that make up the bulk of your total spending.

We’re not going to say that building wealth is the easiest thing in the world, but it’s far less complicated than many people make it out to be. If you can’t get ahead, look within first. Not to quote ourselves, but are you buying liabilities? Selling assets? Assuming that your opposite number in any transaction has your best interests at heart? Not putting the math you learned in the 4th grade to use?

If you’re struggling, you can get out. Easier and with less pain than you think. But you’ve got to want it. If you don’t, that’s fine, but you’re probably going to hate it here. In the meantime, buy our book and get started. Don’t say we never do anything for you.

A Message To Graduates Everywhere

You don't want to peak early. But you probably will.

 

Congratulations. You coasted through high school – 94% of which requires you to do little more than be present – and now the next chapter of your life begins, to quote a tiresome saying. Or, if you prefer, you can just extend the current chapter and defer adulthood.

If you think a college education is the one good or service in the world that doesn’t stand up to cost-benefit scrutiny, where price means nothing, you’re too dumb to go to college (or for you parents out there, have your progeny go to college) anyway.

How much higher can the universities make you jump? We recently spent a few seconds seeing what a generic accredited 4-year school, Arizona State, charges incoming non-resident freshmen who want to spend 4 years languishing in the liberal arts program. Including on-campus housing, and assuming no fee increases until 2017 (as if), it adds up to $152,588.

What if Arizona State raised that number to $250,000? Or $350,000? Would you shrug your shoulders, say “Hey, it’s an investment in the future/An education is priceless”, perhaps complain to your elected officials about skyrocketing costs and organize a protest?

Or you could take a step back and think, “Maybe the math doesn’t work out on this.”

Universities and the DeBeers Company are the only producers in all of commerce who have adopted the following (wildly successful) sales pitch:

What we’ve got is so important, you have no choice but to buy.

COROLLARY: In fact, you’re lucky we deign to sell to you.

A diamond isn’t forever, and neither are most college educations.

No, really. Unless you didn’t happen to notice that divorcées and underemployed college graduates are two categories of human that not only exist, but flourish. If marriage can be the triumph of hope over experience, so can overeducation. A poorly suited spouse will wreck your life, as will a poorly suited degree.

A B.A. in English literature is – what’s the word? Useless.

How dare you say that. Besides, that’s not true. I can teach.

Are you really going to teach? Furthermore, is that even an ambition, or just a defense against an uncomfortable accusation?

Even if it is your lifelong dream to teach (and the timidity of so modest a dream is a topic for another time), you do understand that you’ll be setting yourself up for a life of miniscule pay and massive debts, right? Or have you not applied the math you learned in the 4th grade, and determined what you’ll be getting into, financially speaking?

Of course you haven’t, because you’re not that bright. Despite what everyone’s been telling you, and despite how going to college somehow serves as reinforcement of your status as a smart person. Look, we’ve seen your emails and comments. Most of you think punctuation is like oregano, to be used only sparingly, not consistently.

Here’s the Control Your Cash College Entrance Questionnaire. It has 78 fewer questions than the SAT, and we can grade it instantly.

 

 

 

1. Do you have an aptitude for math and/or science?

Yes         No

IF YOU ANSWERED YES, PUT YOUR PENCIL DOWN. DO NOT TURN TO THE NEXT PAGE.

2. Okay, how about for craftsmanship? This could be anything that gets your hands dirty and that provides a tangible result – carpentry, working on cars, helping your uncle install ceiling fans, whatever.

Yes         No

IF YOU ANSWERED NO TO BOTH QUESTIONS, YOUR FORMAL EDUCATION IS EFFECTIVELY OVER.

 

 

 

University is not the only option. You don’t need a bachelor’s degree to do plenty of lucrative and/or worthwhile jobs. There are thousands of examples. Here are four:

You can hawk real estate with a high school diploma (and a realtor’s license, which takes a few weeks to earn and does not require a demanding course of study). You can be a roustabout on an oil rig, and you’ll immediately be in the top half of American workers by salary. You can enlist in the Air Force, which will teach you much more marketable skills than college will and will pay you for the privilege. You can get a job selling appliances at Sears, which might sound awful to you, but a) you’re 18 and b) if you go to college to study something that carries no prospect of financial reward, you’re going to be working retail in 4 or 5 years anyway. At least this way, when you’re 22 you’ll have enough experience that you should have moved up by now. You’ll also have zero student debt.

As much as you think tertiary education can improve your life, consumer debt can hamper it. Education broadens your horizons, you’re telling yourself? Great. Debt narrows them at every turn.

“Want to do x (move to Alaska, backpack Asia for 3 months, buy a new and reliable car, put a down payment on this cheap house that I found)?”

“Sorry. I can’t afford it.”

Borrow money to defer life for 4 years, and there’s a lot you won’t be able to afford. Then and later.

None of the above jobs has to be a career, either. The Air Force is the only one that comes with an obligation, and even that lasts only 3 years.

Stop believing the hype. People hear the phrase “college isn’t for everyone” and they think it means “college is for everyone but the dumb.” When we say someone “isn’t college material”, it’s usually intended as an insult. It shouldn’t be. Some of the stupidest people on the planet parade through the halls of academia. Many of them never leave. Your average long-haul driver at the roadside diner will give you more stimulating conversation than your average adjunct professor of sociology. Also, the former is far more likely to offer to pick up the tab.

Can you find something satisfying and rewarding to do for a living? Will you be able to do it without dreading certain bills that’ll come at the end of the month (unless you planned to not incur those bills in the first place)? Can you do it while building wealth, and thus options, for you and your loved ones? If you can do all three, that’s true intelligence.

(Financial) Retard of the Month for May

 

Meet The Simple Dollar's archnemesis, National Park Bookstore Patron

 

We don’t pick on Trent Hamm of The Simple Dollar because he’s an inviting target, although he is. We pick on him because he fancies himself as an advisor. It’s right there in the subtitle of his blog: “Coupons and Financial Advice.” Yet if you acted on his counsel, your life would be an endless treadmill of calculating barely perceptible savings on mundane activities. And who knows what you’d be missing out on.

Headhunter: Hi, Ms. Bland? We’re looking for a new sales associate and we think you’d be perfect for the job. Whatever you’re making now, we can double it. Can you come in for an interview?

Simple Dollar Devotee: Where are you located?

Headhunter: On the corner of 1st and Main.

Simple Dollar Devotee: Well, that’s 15.98012 miles from my house. My Prius gets 42.29830 miles to the gallon (I’m obsessive like Trent, therefore I calculate such things to the 5th decimal place.) So with gas at $3.989 a gallon I’d be paying $3.01 to interview with you.

Headhunter: You do realize that this is a phone conversation, and that I can’t hear your italicizing and bolding, right?

Simple Dollar Devotee: Plus my car depreciates at an average of 12.31209¢ per mile, so that’s an extra $3.93 I’d be spending to go to this interview, for a total of $6.94. If you don’t hire me, that’s a sunk cost.

Headhunter: (snoring)

Plus, Mr. Hamm is the most ungainly writer ever to sit in front of a computer. He figures that because he’s got the rudiments of composition (largely) under control, he’s therefore the personal finance answer to Joyce or Dickens. No. Knowing the rules of football doesn’t make you an all-pro. At best, it might make you a back judge.

Just like knowing how to reuse Ziploc bags doesn’t make you an expert on personal finance, just a lunatic. Guess how many results the word “frugal” returns when you search for it on The Simple Dollar.

6,340. “Frugality” gets another 6,290, for a total of 12,630.

The word “and” occurs in the New Testament only 10,684 times.

The Baha Men want to know if Trent Hamm can sing any other songs. Keanu Reeves thinks Trent has limited range. Euclid’s definition of a line said that The Simple Dollar is too 1-dimensional.

The latest foolishness from the Most Inane Voice In Personal Finance is so good, it bumped another Trent Hamm submission for Retard of the Month. This week, Trent teaches us how to save money at…tourist attraction gift shops. You know, because such places are an everyday temptation. Also, “keep your money in your wallet” is only 6 words and therefore too short a recommendation to be useful as far as Trent is concerned.

I particularly don’t like it when you go through a museum exhibit or a tour of some sort, only to find yourself dumped into a gift shop.

The children are hungry and thirsty and often tired after such a trip

Who under the age of born-in-the-19th-century uses the word “children” instead of “kids”?

This is absolutely my least favorite part of traveling and visiting new places. It’s often an expense. It’s always a hassle.

Fortunately,

years of planning family vacations with a frugal mindset has helped me to avoid these traps more and more often.

At this point, does Trent need to use the qualifier “with a frugal mindset” when describing any activity that he does? We can’t even cite ridiculous imaginary examples here to illustrate the point, because the real ones are better. The generic go-to activity would be “brushing your teeth ‘with a frugal mindset’”, but damned if he didn’t already beat us to it. Several times.

Here are some of the tactics we use

Trent has a 4-point strategy for not buying snow globes at the Grand Canyon.

(1) Do the research. Before you go on vacations, spend some time researching the places you’re considering visiting. Find out if these places force you through a gift shop or not, and use such techniques as a negative when considering whether to use that item as part of your vacation.

How does that play out?

You: Hello, Roman Colosseum?

Her: Ciao.

You: Avete un negozio di souvenir?

Her: Sì. cosa ti piacerebbe? 

You: Never mind. Thank you. (To your traveling partners) Okay, that’s out. Damn. I really wanted to see the Colosseum, too. Alright, next up is the Pyramids. Anyone know Arabic?

Wait, what did Trent say?

use such techniques as a negative when considering whether to use that item as part of your vacation.

So “don’t go”, you’re saying (verbosely)?

Also, what are the “techniques” here? What is the “item”? Maybe Trent knows Arabic, because God knows his command of English is brutal.

a gift shop needs to be my option, not foisted upon me.

Yes, because gift shop clerks are notorious for holding visitors at gunpoint until they agree to take home a logo canvas bag.

(2.) Your first step should simply include digital photographs.

Then a Trent Hamm specialty, the immediately succeeding unnecessary follow-up sentence:

If you want to remember something, take a picture

But wait, Trent. Why would someone take a picture?

so that you can look at it later.

Of course! Knew it was something, couldn’t put our finger on it.

Again, we haven’t omitted anything. We’re in the middle of one unbroken stream of Trentness:

Similarly, recording your thoughts in a travel journal while going from place to place on a vacation can be wonderful.

Stephen King once wrote to aspiring writers that “the adverb is not your friend.” But he never met Trent, who never met a –ly he didn’t fall in love with.

Also, “wonderful” is on that list of words that no heterosexual man should use:

Tummy
Veggie, or veggies
Wonderful
Fabulous
Soupçon
Gorgeous
Onesie
Booties
Adorable, unless used ironically

There are probably others. Wait, we’re building to something here. Behold The Most Trent Passage Ever:

I often look for natural souvenirs to bring home, such as unique rocks. We have stones from tne (sic) north shore of Lake Superior and from the Arbuckle Mountains in our yard. Other family members have bricks and baseballs found on vacations.

Notwithstanding the convenient location of the Arbuckle Mountains, that sums it up right there. The Hamm clan collects rocks, bricks, and baseballs. And note the verb “found”. Trent’s not talking about a foul ball that landed in his kid’s glove at a minor league game. His family members find baseballs while on vacation. Where do you go to find a random baseball, i.e. without going to a sporting goods store and paying for one? Do the Hamms wait outside Little League games and steal them when no one’s looking? Does going to a Little League game in a strange town qualify as a vacation in Trent’s world? And would doing so count as an “end experience” or a “peak experience”? We’re guessing “end”.

Look, no one’s saying you should overindulge your kids. But come on. No, Junior, you can’t have that $10 field guide to the Birds of North America. Instead, how about this mostly intact cinder block your dad discovered in the parking lot?

Don’t spend like an idiot, that’s a given. But for the love of Pete, if you consider a rock to be a souvenir (not a geode, not iron pyrite, an ordinary rock), the best thing you can do for humanity is to throw said rock up in the air and catch it with your forehead.