The Standard Model Theory Of Personal Finance

Eventually it'll all make sense

Eventually it’ll all make sense

 

Like its particle physics counterpart, this has no elegance. It’s just a series of axioms and equations, biding its time until a Grand Unified Theory shows up to replace it. But the Standard Model works. Obey its component dictates, acknowledge its veracity, and while you won’t necessarily get rich you’ll avoid being poor; which is most people want anyway, even though they don’t necessarily know so.

Here are the axioms, in both descending order of importance and, not coincidentally, reverse chronological order.

 

You can’t have dessert until you finish your broccoli.

In other words, you can’t build wealth until you’ve erased all your negative wealth. Fat people can’t scale Everest, and broke people can’t climb whatever its financial counterpart is. Stop trying, until you’ve paid off all your debts.

There’s no effective way around this. If you owe more than you own, you’re going to have to wait. Don’t start until you’re in the black, and don’t even think about doing so. Unless you’re sophisticated enough, and have a stellar enough reputation with your lending institution of choice, you’re way over your head if you’re trying to turn a profit by borrowing money at 4% so you can get a 7% return on it. Save that for people who know what they’re doing.

 

Debt becomes exponentially less manageable as it grows.

Therefore, don’t let it grow. Better yet, don’t incur it in the first place.

 

Mortgages don’t count. Well, some of them do.

When we say “it” in the previous line we’re not talking about mortgages. Yes, when you borrow money for 30 years to buy a house you end up paying far more than the price of the house. That sounds discouraging, but it isn’t. It isn’t, because the alternative is to rent. People who complain that taking on a mortgage means that they spend more in interest than on the house itself are missing one critical point, which is that you have to live somewhere. If you’re renting, you’re not building wealth. Well, you’re building wealth, but for your landlord.

Adjustable-rate mortgages are like nitroglycerin. It’s too much work to know how to handle them safely. Get a fixed-rate mortgage and enjoy peace of mind.

 

You don’t need an advanced degree in mathematics. On the other hand, you do need to understand the basic operators and exponentiation.

Let’s start with an example: 

 

Having an emergency fund is dumb.

This is the shallowest yet most pervasive tip we’ve seen. Everyone from Dave Ramsey to Clark Howard says you need to save for a rainy day, which is a piece of homespun country wisdom that might have made sense back before America was a nation of debtors. Your Depression-era grandfather kept $300 in his mattress because he feared the bank might go under, not because he was worried about the slim possibility of a catastrophic medical bill. Also, back then there weren’t as many toys to spend money on. Grandpa wasn’t buying Xboxes and putting them on his credit card. Furthermore, he didn’t keep that roll of twenties sitting around while he owed somebody more than $300.

If you’re in debt, the emergency has already started. In fact, it’s hard to imagine a worse one. If other, inferior personal finance blogs are any indicator, it’s common practice to have both a $5000 emergency fund and an $11,000 credit card balance. Which is like having a fire extinguisher mounted on your kitchen wall, and a grease fire on your stove, but letting it do a controlled burn because the extinguisher is only for emergencies. If you can’t figure out what’s wrong with this, you don’t belong here. Go read a blog with “debt” in the title instead. They’re easy enough to find.

 

Indulging yourself while in debt is immature and counterproductive.

Grow up. Seriously, just grow up. You don’t need patches or gum to quit smoking, you just need the will power God gave you. Which is now buried under layers of discolored tissue, but that’s not His problem. Still, who cares: let’s watch those carcinomata grow! That you were the kind of person to light up in the first place means that your chances of survival were reduced to begin with.

Same deal with debt, the difference being that the latter is less fatal. Yet the comparison remains valid – smoking fewer cigarettes instead of no cigarettes means that you’re committing to an illusory goal. And if you buy only the occasional indulgence, instead of no indulgences, you’re not doing your finances any favors.

There are no shortcuts with this one, either. If you just want to “live a little”, or “preserve your sanity”, or “do something nice for me”, or however you choose to justify spending any extra dollars, you’ll stay poor that much longer.

Life is finite. To some people, that means live for today and worry about the consequences later. To us it means that you should spend as many of your remaining days as possible building wealth, rather than failing to build it.

This is one place where we agree with Control Your Cash soccer ball/punching bag Trent Hamm. Reusing your Ziploc bags and saving your dryer lint to create kindling sort of make sense when you’re broke. (The difference is that Trent continues to find ways to be superhumanly cheap even after he’s crossed 0 and has a positive net worth.) Which brings us to another point –

 

The rules change and become far easier to live by once you’re in the black.

It starts off hard and gets easier. When you’ve got money that doesn’t need to go to everyday expenses (and debt reduction), there lies opportunity. Chapter 6. You should have learned this in school, except no one teaches it. Speaking of which…

 

Even the people who are the world’s greatest at reading Shakespeare and contextualizing Aristotle aren’t getting rich at it.

Take those student loan application forms and shove them.

Unless you have both an aptitude and the discipline for the hard sciences, applied sciences, math or something similar. Don’t kid yourself into thinking that your sociology degree is ever going to pay for itself.

Some parents think they’re being responsible by telling their kids, “You’re going to college, and that’s that.” We hear this throughout society, to the point that it’s received wisdom – there’s no substitute for a college education, it opens doors, you’re lost without one, etc.

Bull. Parents who believe any of this should have their genitals cauterized. Besides, lots of parental advice is shaky. These are the same people who taught you either explicitly or by example that staying in a soul-crushing job is a smart decision, and that it’s healthy to mask residual anger for a tiresome spouse. Hell, they even indirectly told you that having kids is a good idea, so maybe they’re not the oracles that their positions of power would indicate.

Percentage of people who inherently understand that these truths are indisputable: 100.
Percentage of people who, if they read this post, would still ignore most of it anyway: 92.

This is why most people have financial problems. They want to.

GUEST POST: Take (One Of The) Two And Call Me In The Morning

NOTE: Last week we received the following post, unsolicited, from a physician and avid reader who asked to remain anonymous. We agreed that it was so far beyond fantastic, we weren’t sure how to react.
You need to understand: people submit multiple guest posts to us every week, almost all of them garbage. This one was beautifully written, concise, loaded with practical if uncomfortable advice, and he even annotated it. Finally, someone who took our guest post guidelines to heart. With no further introduction, here it is:

 

empty lab coat

 

My father-in-law is a brilliant farmer with no post-secondary education. I always wondered why he didn’t blink when I told him 4 years ago how much medical school was going to cost. He finances $350,000 tractors and $500,000 combines with debt, and I never understood why. Now I do. $150,000 in student debt at 3% to finance an M.D. is a leveraged investment made to acquire an asset. As such, it’s not a liability.

Wait a second, guest poster/avid CYC reader/slow-learning doctor. I thought guest posts on CYC are rare, and I thought guest authors had to be adamant about avoiding student debt.

You’re right; they are rare. And no, you don’t have to shun student debt before you can author a guest post on CYC. You must, however, understand its role in creating wealth. The CYC principals do. So do most wealthy people who own educational assets. This makes CYC unique in a sea of debt-hating bloggers who incessantly try to convince you that life’s number one priority is to flog your debt into submission. Remain calm, ignore them, and read on.

If you’re thinking about borrowing money to attend an institution that charges (insert average in-state tuition here) to learn (insert pointless degree here), stop. Especially if you were planning on using a government hand-out under the guise of a loan to get drunk and attend your classes hung-over in the back row. Educational choices are an opportunity to apply CYC’s fundamentals: analyze your options and divide them into distinct categories – assets and liabilities. Buy one of the two, sell the other, and call me in the morning.

Sheeple all over America are being fed the same rotten advice by the graying shepherd: “Nothing is going to have as great an impact on your success in life as your education,” and “the best job qualification you can have is a college degree or advanced training.” This sounds like a government with a pathological urge to over-spend on non-assets. It gets better. Without commenting on what type of college graduates should be trained, Mr. Obama wants to “see America have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world” by the end of the decade. That most government student loans don’t incorporate criteria regarding your proposed field of study exposes the truth that Uncle Sam is in the business of giving away money to students, not lending it. As young Americans are herded towards this 2020 target, we need individuals in political office like this financial stud, who was scorned for his modest choice in vehicle by a journalistic coward. Vote for men (and women) like this. The political momentum behind a federal bailout for over-extended student debtors is gathering steam. You can already hear the shouts across the crowded collegiate bar: “I’ve got this round boys, Obama’s going to pay for it anyway.” It’s funny, because it’s true. And millions of Americans bleat a version of the same thing every day.

Take, for example, the college-educated car-scrubber-turned-paper-runner Landon Crider, or eager-beaver Megan Parker, both interviewed in a recent New York Times article narrating the tragic plight of the overeducated. Instead of reading CYC and heeding Kincaid’s and McFarlane’s pleas, Ms. Parker chose to borrow $100,000 to land a job as – wait for it – a receptionist, commanding an annual salary of $37,000. Working as a receptionist from 9-5 is a perfectly admirable way to put food on the table. However, going into 6-figure debt for the opportunity to answer phones for lawyers indicates that Ms. Parker savors the life of a wage-slave (commonly referred to as “employee” by most 21st-century masters). Her boss understands this, and uses it to his advantage (good for him). In the interview, he said “‘College graduates are just more career-oriented.’” Allow me to translate: “They’ll work for far less money than they should to pursue the noble goal of ‘getting ahead.’ Plus, all my employees have a massive student debt load so they can’t quit.’” Even a journalist picked up on the problem with a degree-only law firm, but she still wrote about her subjects’ poor choices with a tone that suggests the predicament is a human rights violation.¹ Guess who she voted for? Not this guy.

Contrary to what you’ve been told, education is not an asset as a stand-alone entity. Shares of a whale-oil company ceased to be assets when light-bulbs began illuminating streets and homes. For an education to be an asset (and thus an attractive investment), it must exist in a market that gives it tangible value. This guarantees a stream of cash flows related to the initial investment. All other measures of educational value are in terms of personal fulfillment. If you’re searching for answers to ultimate questions in a class called Big Questions² with 127 other budding debt-slaves, stop calling it an “investment” and don’t borrow money to do it. Besides, you’ll only find true fulfillment in other, more Messianic sources. In your undergraduate years, for example, major in Biochemistry and Biomedical Sciences³ or something else useful. You remain free to minor in Music Cognition, Communications Studies, or whatever else you want. Heck, pull out all the stops and take an elective in Personal Finance instead of Philosophies of War and Peace.

To really go against the grain, try the seemingly foreign concepts of working and saving for things. If Steve Boedefeld and Zack Tolmie did it, you can too. According to the author of the article, not borrowing money to acquire liabilities is enough of an accomplishment to be distinguished as a “rare species.” Congratulations, you two. Be like Steve and Zack. Buck the trend and complete your undergraduate studies debt-free.

That sounds like a lot of work.

Right. Most things worth having are.

Every course offering in your college’s academic calendar is not a ticket to prosperity. Search for a program that satisfies this basic investment criterion before you borrow to pay for it: it must result in a positive return on investment for the useful life of the asset. In other words, find out if there are jobs in your field of interest that will pay off your debt before you retire (or default). Such analysis is mandatory before leveraging debt. Make time to read and understand the difference between an intelligent choice in higher education and a wasteful one by digesting what CYC thinks about my fellow Canadian or about this money pit.

Based on data collected by the American Association of Medical Colleges, U.S. medical school graduates carry an average of $166,750 in student debt. Following 4 years of medical school, Graduate Medical Education prepares residents for independent practice and lasts 3-7 years, depending on specialty choice. The GME training salaries are far less than most people think: resident physicians earn a median salary of $49,651 in their first year of residency. For the customary (and recently-capped) 80-hour work week, it works out to approximately $12.67 per hour ($49,651 per year/[80 hours per week × 49 weeks per work year]). Remember that, the next time you decide to spit on, swear at, and berate us for being part of the 1%.⁴ After residency, most physicians typically earn well over $150,000 per year for the remainder of their careers doing what they went to school to do. Plus, it’s a rewarding job that contributes to humanity and advances civilization.

You’re just fortunate that you’ve found a job you like that pays well.

You’re right, I am extremely fortunate. But I don’t like my job; I love my job. You’re indignant, I understand. That’s because you’re currently pursuing a Women’s Studies major to work beside Ms. Parker. It’s not too late to identify a different field with an attractive return, and switch. Don’t drown in sunk costs. If you’re weighing your options, your job before borrowing to finance an education is to discern an asset from a liability. Don’t avoid debt as a matter of principle.

If this sounds like the same advice CYC gives on regarding all prospective investments, it is. Why should your education be any different?

Keep reading this blog. Buy the book.

—————————————

¹ The author of the article even challenges her readers to “consider” in the second paragraph. For long-time CYC readers, you know why this is a no-no. For new CYC readers, don’t consider reading about this weak word, read all about this weak word here.

² The courses of study referenced in this post are actually current undergraduate courses listed by my college in the academic calendar.

³ Your guest author’s course of undergraduate study. This serves as an example, not as a template. Market conditions change and vary regionally. Please decipher the basic premise.

⁴ Common on the floors of academic teaching hospitals. We usually respond with “Thank you.” Less often, we respond with an order to switch from orally to rectally administered medication, because, well, the pen is mightier than the sword.

How Do You Guys Do It? Part I

We're so rich, we can hire people to portray us in our featured photos.

We’re so rich, we can hire people to portray us in our featured photos.

 

We try to keep things nice and impersonal on here, for several reasons. The primary one is that it’s 2013, and a resourceful person with patience and a vendetta can find out more about you than you might be comfortable disclosing, so why make it easier for them?

But without sharing too much with you, we’ve managed to position ourselves so that we don’t have to work. And believe us, we don’t. At least not at conventional jobs with a boss, and a workplace, and a regular schedule, and a break room (“This yogurt is Michelle’s. Please do not touch”), and a sexual harassment policy and an annual employee picnic. We can live off our passive income, and have no desire to go back to the real world. Those of you who have regular jobs and enjoy them, we might not understand you, but we salute you. Thanks for keeping our gross domestic product high.

We wouldn’t give up this lifestyle for anything. We get to travel extensively, live in a nice house, drive serviceable if not ostentatious cars, and never have to worry about creditors taking any of it away. So how do we do it?

That’s easy: we sponge off the government!

Kidding. Sure, there was some serendipity along the way, but the vast majority of our success can be credited to not doing stupid things. We could write a book (heck, we did) about all the stupid things you could build wealth by avoiding. Here are a few of the biggest culprits in this, the inaugural post in an irregular series:

Tobacco, alcohol, drugs. As best we can tell, the median price of a deck of smokes is around $7. We’re not going to do the math for you, as any idiot can multiply $7 by 365, but the good news for those of you who are scarfing down a pack a day is that you’re probably keeping the weight off. No wait, on further examination a lot of you are fat. Also, any weight you’re failing to gain is that of healthy pink lung tissue, and why would you want to cultivate that?

A “gram” of pot costs $15 to $20, given that your dealer probably isn’t arranging it on a scale calibrated in grams, nor operating under the purview of your state’s Bureau of Weights and Measures. That’ll get you one or two joints, but hey, none of you are serious pot smokers, right? Just once in a while, just to get a good buzz, I hardly ever smoke, only when there’s no beer around, it’s better for you than alcohol you know, etc.

So yeah. If you can put it in your mouth and emits smoke, it’s keeping you from being as rich as you’d otherwise be. Pointing that out hardly counts as thought.

Okay, fine. But you expect me to give up alcohol, too? That’s crazy talk.

We don’t “expect” you to give up anything. We wrote about this on Money Funk a couple years back and the commenters told us we were being judgmental, which is ludicrous. As if pointing out that alcohol purveyors expect money in exchange for their sweet brown liquids is somehow heresy.

The major booze trade organization’s own estimates say it’s close to a $400 billion industry. Divide that into the number of people who live in the United States (subtracting the kids and the people on dialysis, of course) and then try to determine which side of average your own alcohol expenses are on.

The catcalls are starting already, we can hear them. Fine, you need it to relax. Some of us don’t. You can’t imagine being in a social setting and not drinking. We don’t dispute that, but some of us have broader imaginations.

You know what’s funny? Even The Cheapest Man on the Planet, the guy who would rather do indoor craft projects 30 nights in a row with construction paper he dug out of his neighbor’s garbage than go to a movie once a month, can’t bring himself to say that drinking is about as unnecessary as expenses get. And it’s not as if our hero is some socially well-adjusted extrovert, either.

Education. “The Greatest Investment You Can Make”. An utter lie, and maybe the more we repeat this the faster it’ll sink in. Why is it a lie? Because formal college education is not uniform. Here’s where people love to cite studies showing that people with bachelor’s degrees earn more than high school dropouts, and people with advanced degrees earn more still.

Amassing college credits, without respect to what subject they’re in, is like consuming calories without respect to what food they’re coming from. That Bachelor of Arts in comparative literature will benefit you even less than eating a diet consisting exclusively of chocolate will. At least the chocolate doesn’t have to be financed to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars, nor does it take 4 years to eat.

The arts in general: bad, at least financially speaking. (Last we checked, while several universities promise significant non-financial rewards, their admissions offices still expect payment in legal tender.) Math and science: good. Marvel at the works of Degas and Milton all you want, but if you must, don’t spend years and (borrowed) money for the privilege. Because it’s not a privilege, it’s an expense.

That doesn’t mean you’ll be ready to take on the world with a high school diploma. You probably won’t. But you can learn a marketable, worthwhile trade without committing huge money nor huge time to the endeavor. Those studies referenced above? For some reason, they never specifically compare liberal arts graduates to steelworkers or machinists. To some effete people, there’s a stigma to working with your hands. To us, there’s a stigma to incurring pointless debt that you’ll take decades to pay off. Ceteris paribus, the $52,000-a-year electrician with a contractor’s license is a better human being than the $30,000-a-year retail clerk who can parse Noam Chomsky’s theory of universal grammar.

That wasn’t so hard, was it? None of that stuff is painful, or even inconvenient. It’s not like we’re telling you to go without sleeping or shaving. But it’s a start. More next time.