Sex, nudity, pizza and free beer

So September 20’s post was a fun, no-pressure introduction to the three major types of financial statements and how they work. The results?

a) No one commented, and
b) No one pointed out that we promised to follow up on the details in the next post and didn’t.

Conclusion: reading financial statements is boring. Explaining how to read financial statements is boring. Even poking fun at how boring it is to read financial statements is apparently boring.

What do you want from us? No one said deciphering financial statements was interesting, except Warren Buffett, and do you want to take lifestyle advice from a polygamist who still lives in a house assessed at $700,000 despite having $36 billion to his name?

Let’s do this as pithily as possible and see where it leads:

If you’re looking to invest in a particular company, you can’t just go by word of mouth or general feeling. Worse yet, you don’t want to concern yourself with how pretty a graph the company’s stock price has been plotting recently (this is called technical analysis, and it’s the financial equivalent of phrenology.) Stupidest of all is the investment strategy that equates being a customer with being a shareholder.

You need to research, at least a little. Are you willing to spend a couple of hours to potentially earn yourself hundreds or thousands (or just as importantly, not cost yourself that much)? You should be, assuming you enjoy money and how easy it can make your life.

There are only 3 types of financial statements you need to know about. Any other ones you come across aren’t that important, at least not at this stage of the game. You find them at sec.gov/edgar/searchedgar/companysearch.html.

Enter the company name, scroll down to the first appearance of “10-K” in the left column, click on “Interactive Data”. Among other things, you’ll find the critical financial statements:

Income statements. Balance sheets. Cash flow statements. That’s it. Describing what’s in each one in sufficient detail could give us a year’s worth of blog posts, but let’s do this in digestible chunks.

What an income statement tells you, you can hopefully deduce from its title. Income is the difference between the revenue the company generated and the expenses it incurred, over a fixed period (usually a year, occasionally a quarter.)

Income statement (actual size)

Peruse the categories if you want, but the most important number at this point is the difference between gross income and expenses: net income, or in common parlance, profit.

But you can’t just rank companies by net income and say whichever one makes the most money is thus the best investment. You have to look at the relative sizes of the companies. Everything else being equal, a company that makes $100 million on revenues of $500 million is more impressive than one that makes $110 million on revenues of $1 billion.

A balance sheet tells you how much in assets the company has on hand, and how much it has in outstanding liabilities. The difference between them is called shareholders’ equity, which is one traditionally accepted measure of the company’s value.

Columns of numbers!

Over how long a period? A year?

You don’t listen, do you?
It’s the amount of assets and liabilities the company has (present tense), not the amount it acquired (past tense). That means it counts every dollar the company has ever taken in and hasn’t yet spent, minus every obligation it’s ever had and hasn’t yet settled. So in theory, a company could have a different balance sheet every millisecond. While an income statement refers to a particular period, a balance sheet refers to One Moment In Time, just like your prom did. Only without the awkward makeout sessions and vomiting.

Since shareholders’ equity, the value of the company, is assets minus liabilities by definition, you can understand why we keep hammering you to buy assets and sell liabilities. Divide net earnings (from the income statement) into shareholders’ equity and you get return on shareholders’ equity, a number that gives you an idea of how long it takes an investment in the company to pay for itself.

Finally, a cash flow statement tells you if the company’s bringing in more than it’s spending, and how much. That sounds straightforward, but it can occasionally be complicated (a rare repudiation of the oracular pronouncements in our book, Control Your Cash: Making Money Make Sense. Here’s the only other one.) There are 3 ways a company can generate revenue: via operations, investments, and financing.

Sorry, ran out of jokes. Alright, maybe this stuff is a little tedious

Operations is hopefully pretty clear. For Caterpillar, it’s making and selling lift trucks. For Anheuser-Busch, it’s brewing and selling beer. For General Motors, it’s collecting undeserved money from you and tens of millions of other taxpayers.

Unless the company in question is a financial firm, Investments is probably going to be a negative number, because it includes buying expensive things that help keep the company growing – factories and stuff. The category also includes buying and selling securities that have little or nothing to do with the company’s core business. For instance, if they have cash on hand, putting it in securities (Treasury bills, currency, other companies’ stocks or bonds) on behalf of the shareholders.

Financing includes issuing and buying back the company’s own stock and bonds. That means bringing new investors on board (usually healthy, if the company isn’t growing just for the sake of growing) and borrowing money (bad if it’s done for reasons other than covering new capital expenditures, paying it back with interest, and not risking default.)

Next time, or whenever we get around to it depending on the quality and quantity of this week’s comments, we’ll explain what desirable financial statements look like.

**This post is featured in the Carnival of Wealth #7-Entrepreneurship Edition**

**This post is featured in the Festival of Stocks**

Health care. Cheaper than you imagined.

What if I need an operation and you didn't save enough money?

This might be the greatest deal in all of commerce right now. It’s certainly the least publicized, relative to the benefits rendered.

Pet wellness plans. Seriously. A few dollars a month for uncommon peace of mind…because animals still can’t tell you where it hurts.

America’s largest veterinary chain, Banfield, the Pet Hospital offers its Optimum Wellness Plan for a mere $23 a month if you enroll your puppy or kitten early enough. (Competing chain VCA offers a similar program.) Pricelessness now has a price – and an awfully reasonable one, too.

No matter how well you might take care of them, even the healthiest cat or dog will come down with something. A pet wellness plan saves you money on everything from vaccinations to dental treatments to comprehensive exams and all sorts of lab work. Pet wellness plans even cover free checkups when you notice something out of the ordinary. One routine tooth cleaning for your dog can end up running $600 without a plan, and God forbid if your cat needs to be dewormed or something. With a pet wellness plan, it’s all covered.

At first mention, the very concept of a pet wellness plan might sound a little too esoteric to be legitimate – the veterinary equivalent of an extended vehicle warranty or rustproofing.

But a pet wellness plan is different. Don’t confuse it with insurance, which operates differently in the sense that with insurance you’re paying for something (fire coverage, death benefits) that you hope you’ll never use. A pet wellness plan is really just a steep discount on something you’ll almost certainly buy anyway, in exchange for a long-term commitment from you. For all parties to the transaction, it’s an unequivocal win-win-win. The pet hospital gets a customer, hopefully for life, who’ll have little incentive to seek out a competing veterinarian. You get across-the-board savings. And your pet gets better care than humans receive in some Third World countries.

My two cats of indeterminate pedigree – one from a shelter, the other from a garbage can – both joined the family at the age of 6 weeks or so. Each got their requisite vaccinations and sterilizations at the recommended time, at which point it was time to shop for a permanent physician. We enrolled them in wellness plans the moment we digested the literature, and the $276 annual investment paid off before their first birthdays. Administer an infectious peritonitis vaccine here ($24), a metronidazole prescription there ($35)…add an MRI to determine the cause of a blockage, or treatment to reduce the swelling from a scorpion bite, and your vet bill can add up quickly.

But a pet wellness plan reduces the standard office visit fee from $35 to 0. It lowers the payment on some in-office treatments by 75%. And it gives you 7-day-a-week care transferable to any pet hospital in the chain. The comprehensive exams alone (rectal, ophthalmic and many more) justify the cost of the plan, and then some.

You won’t have to ask your HMO for reimbursement, either. While a visit to the vet will probably never be enjoyable for the patient, a pet wellness plan can make that visit a lot more palatable for the patient’s chauffeur.

**This post is featured in the Carnival of Personal Finance #271**

**This post is featured on the Road to Financial Independence Carnival**

 

Request of the Week

"You want to hear 'Freebird'? Yeah, we'll get right on that."

We’d never solicited requests at Control Your Cash, but then Twitter follower @JSmisko sent us the following tweet:

@CYCash If u have done a blog on life ins, plz repost for me. Thx.

Rather than ask why he didn’t spell all the words in full with the 66 remaining characters Twitter allotted him, we’re indulging him.

We don’t spend a lot of time on life insurance in the book because life insurance is a waste of money unless you* earn an extraordinarily high income or have expensive dependents (e.g. a blind and retarded daughter with spinal meningitis.)

You pay an insurer a monthly stipend, and if you die your beneficiary gets paid. There are two major classifications of life insurance – term and the less common permanent. “Term” means you buy it for a fixed period, usually 10, 15, 20 or 30 years, and pay similar monthly premia throughout. However, the premia can rise (or less likely, lower) throughout the term. If you contract HIV 4 years into a 30-year policy, your insurer will want to know. And will probably have a right to know via a medical exam, if you read the fine print in your policy (which you won’t be receiving anyway, because as we’re establishing, life insurance is a waste of money.)

If your term policy ends with you still alive, you could argue (as we do) that you wasted 10, 15, 20 or 30 years worth of premium payments. Or you could do like most life insurance customers do, and keep renewing. The older you are when a term starts, the higher your premia; which makes sense, seeing as you’re closer to death. This is why customers who are committed to the concept of term life insurance will usually buy for as long a term as possible.

If you’re a 30-year old man, chances are you’ve got half a century or so before you kick, less if you’re dumb enough to smoke. Of course your income will vary throughout any insurance term, but it’s reasonable for the insurer to assume that your income will rise throughout your work years then decrease once you retire. The insurer calculates the likely existence trajectory of someone in your position, then determines that a typical term policy for someone like you should cost around, say $100 a month. If you die via a cause approved by your insurer (who probably won’t let you, say, jump in front of a train and then have your wife and kids expect a windfall), your beneficiary will get something like $125,000.

But you’re almost certainly not going to die during the term. In any event, your wife can work. (If you don’t have dependents, you must really hate money in order to own life insurance.) Besides, well before your 30-year term elapses, your kids should have stopped relying on you to provide for them anyway. That $1200 a year can go into far better investments, ones that don’t require you to die.

And term is the best kind of life insurance.

In general, permanent coverage is subdivided into whole life insurance and universal life insurance. Whole life insurance remains in effect for…well, your whole life. A long time ago, thousands of term policyholders made it to the end of their terms without dying and wondered why they’d bothered spending all that money. Thus the insurance industry invented whole life insurance, which charges higher premia. The insurer invests the excess, creating a cash value that it offers to you should you ever want to cancel your policy. By the way, if you die while the policy is in effect, your beneficiary doesn’t get the cash value.

The problems with this are plentiful and clear. For the increase in what you pay, the insurer incurs no additional risk. That excess is pure profit to the insurer. If the cash value is the aspect that excites you about whole life, then you aren’t really insuring, you’re investing. If you’re going to invest, there are better ways to do it than with a whole life policy. Pick a mutual fund at random at Yahoo! Finance and it’ll almost certainly offer a better 30-year return than the 2% or so you can expect from a whole life policy.

Universal life insurance is similarly confiscatory for most people, except you have the option of paying more than your monthly premium and having the excess go into investments managed by the life insurance company.
Chew on that. This kind of policy only makes sense if

a) you’re rich enough to overpay for things,
b) yet you’re not rich enough to manage your own investments.

If something appears to be financially illogical, there’s probably a legal reason involved. There is. Universal life insurance investments aren’t subject to income tax, so rich people use them as shelters. When a rich person dies, the IRS will come for its pound of necrotizing flesh, which the estate will then settle using the universal life insurance proceeds. Even though the insurer ostensibly manages the investments in a universal life policy, if a policyholder is rich enough, she’ll tell the insurer what investments to “recommend” to her. And like all insurance policies, universal life policies are protected from creditors, too.

You can’t win with life insurance. Your death, while a foregone conclusion, is hard to predict the date of. In fact the more accurately you can predict the date, the less likely you’ll be to find a company willing to insure you. And the higher the premia you’ll pay. If you want to invest for your descendents, try index funds, blue-chip stocks…even something as conservative as a certificate of deposit offers you a comparable return with way less risk of losing your investment (if you buy a term policy) or way less overhead (if you buy whole life or universal life.)

*As opposed to your investments earning a high income, which your existence shouldn’t have a bearing on.