UPDATE: We fixed the comments. Say whatever you want. The filthier the better.

Pass the kettle corn and shake hands with the bearded lady, as the Carnival stops by Control Your Cash for one glorious week. If you’re unfamiliar with how this works, it means we’re hosting posts about wealth and how to accumulate it, written by our fellow personal finance bloggers. Just like a real carnival, only with h1 tags and a comment box.

Not that kind of carnival

Thanks to ringmaster Arohan of Personal Dividends for letting us host. Let’s get started.

In Equatorial Guinea, where life expectancy is 38, people don’t have to worry about which assisted-living facility they’re going to dump their grandparents off in. Unfortunately, we First-Worlders don’t have that luxury. If you’ve already placed a bottle of pills and a handgun next to your doddering great-aunt and she still hasn’t gotten the hint, Consumer Boomer explains how much a spot in an old-folks’ home can set you back.

If you don’t have a Capital One credit card yet, you’re just not trying. America’s most ubiquitous issuer is the subject of this post by Tim Chen at Nerd Wallet, who tells you which of Capital One’s myriad cards to get and why.

Paying cash for a hotel room? What the hell is wrong with you? The mysterious Silicon Valley Blogger is pimping her own favorite credit cards, ones that reward you with hospitality just for spending money.

Meanwhile, Mr. Cents at Personal Cents gives his modern take on a ancient but often disregarded axiom: that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

It just wouldn’t be a carnival without Free From Broke making an appearance. As FFB puts it, “as bloggers, we work hard providing content to our readers. Then we get hit with taxes! Ouch. See the tax deductions you may be eligible to take to lower your taxable income.”

Carrying big wads of cash everywhere might be impractical and risky, but sometimes it seems to beat the alternative. Credit Card Guru at Credit Card Blog gives the lowdown on credit card inquiries and how long they can stay on your report.

Tip O’Neill said “all politics is local.” Whether that’s true or not, it is certain that regardless of what’s happening across the globe, all economics is personal. From Susan Howe at Budget Life, the stories of people who never gave up in the toughest financial times of their lives.

Is your county broke? How about your state? How about your country? (Haw!) Madison DuPaix, which sounds an awful lot like a stage name, blogs at My Dollar Plan. With fiscal crises looming everywhere, she’s found some interesting ways elected officials and government functionaries are trying to stretch their taxpayer revenue.

Maggie Larche at Free Market Money argues what we’ve been saying for years – if you can eliminate debt that’s costing you 17%, that’s better than any investment that earns 16%.

SSgt Jeff Rose (ret.) quit college to serve 9 years in the Army National Guard (in the infantry, no less), went to Iraq, returned to earn his degree, became a Certified Financial Planner, started his own firm, founded Good Financial Cents (and Soldier of Finance) and raised a couple of kids. What have you done with your life? Here he shows you how to create a budget for 2011.

Roth IRA or traditional? Odysseas at Wallet Blog has your answer.

Ramsay at MoneyedUP thinks that if you’re going to hop on the gold train, you should have done so several stops ago. Instead he favors a different, more viscous commodity.

You have no idea how tax brackets and withholding work, do you? Fortunately, Mike Piper at Oblivious Investor does. And he knows how to explain it. He literally wrote the book on it (see his website.)

Barb Friedberg Personal Finance reminds us that persistence leads to success, gleaning wisdom from Daniel Goleman (the guy who wrote Emotional Intelligence.) They recommend having a short memory, which might be the best advice we’ve heard since “check the spare tire pressure before you go off-roading, not during.”

But I want a return on my investment NOW!!! Step back and get comfortable. It’s going to take a while. FMF at Free Money Finance explains in detail what you should already know, which is that people who wait until the last minute to invest probably aren’t going to get rich.

This week’s carnival is bi-hemispheric. Aussie at Australian Stock Market Investing Blog echoes the sentiment of legendary investor Benjamin Graham, that dividends are the investor’s secret weapon. Rising prices are great, but dividends are a lot more reliable.

Wait, we’re not done with that half of the globe. From Papua New Guinea and Money Help For Christians, Craig Ford tells you how to file self-employment taxes (in the U.S., silly.)

/checks Google Maps to make sure that PNG lies entirely below the Equator. It does, but it’s close.

Suba of Wealth Informatics writes far better in English than you do in whatever your 2nd language is. Here she makes a guest appearance on The College Investor, explaining 5 ways Facebook is costing you money. Why people enjoy sharing details of their lives with strangers and pseudo-friends, we have no idea. Or at least one of us doesn’t.

/will never be on Facebook, and even wishes his own site didn’t require an “About Us” page

The cities with the fastest growing job markets? No, not there. Not there, either. Yes, there. And a bunch of places you probably never imagined. PT at PT Money lays them out in handy point form.

How’d your investments make out last year? Kevin McGee, a/k/a Thousandaire, almost doubled the S&P 500 with his turbo-powered, risk-embracing 401(k) strategy.

What will $50 get you on the stock market? Aside from 1/12 of a share of Google, that is? More than you might think. Mark at Buy Like Buffett explains how to get in and get diversified for less.

From the mellifluously titled Banks That Don’t Use Chex Systems, WB explains: “now more than ever, it is very important to have a good credit score. Not only does it make it easier to borrow money, most big financial transactions that you are part of will be impacted by that 3 digit number.”

WARNING: this is what happens when you hire an Indian remote assistant to do anything more complicated than data entry. If you enjoy reading SEO keywords piled together haphazardly until something resembling a blog post emerges, then we draw you to Save Few Bucks and this curious diatribe on school textbooks. Excuse us, textbook buying solutions for all your textbook needs. Improving your textbook experience. Heck, we’ve got a carnival to fill.

Alright, enough diversion. At The Sun’s Financial Diary, the Sun tells us what happened to his net worth in the previous year, breaking it down in detail and providing charts. BONUS: according to his About Us page, you can leave a comment on his blog in Chinese and he’ll respond in kind.

What’s more fun than budgeting? Nothing that we’re aware of. Michael Duchesne of Management Degree explains not just why to measure everything, but what and how to.

If you think the list price for a home is the price you’re out of pocket, you’re delightfully naive. Ann Douglas at DoorFly explains closing costs and how they can vary.

New to Control Your Cash? One point we hammer is that a credit card’s interest rate is irrelevant. As long as the issuer doesn’t charge you an annual fee and gives you a large enough credit limit and sufficient rewards, they can charge you 4,357,199% and it shouldn’t matter. In other words, if you’re carrying a balance, you’re an idiot. So this post by Jeff Weber at Smart Balance Transfers is analogous to us telling you smoking is retarded, but here are some low-tar cigarettes you might be interested in. Enjoy. And try not to inhale.

We’re not even close to done. Joe Plemon at Personal Finance By the Book gives us Part 3 of a 4-part series on budgeting. He not only explains how to plan a budget, but gives pointers you never considered.

You’re not going to believe this, but setting goals, starting early and researching are important. No, really. The Amateur Financier gives us 7 financial tips for young people.

Ask the average Canadian for financial advice, and the response will be “never leave your waiter a gratuity.” Not so from Tom at The Canadian Finance Blog, who lists ways to save money on things that go on sale once a year.

Boomer & Echo are Canadian, too. Here’s a post that makes great washroom reading – or something to kick back on the chesterfield and enjoy while wearing your track pants and runners. Either way, “shed’-ule” some time to read it. Given how strong the Canadian dollar is relative to its American counterpart, Boomer’s adding some U.S. dividend stocks to his quarto (that’s what Canadians call a portfolio, eh?)

Alright, one more shifty Canuck. Our most thought-provoking (and potentially depressing) submission comes from 2¢ at Balance Junkie. Thinking about investing in China and/or Ireland this year? Inflation and overleverage might make you change your mind.

Let’s get Arohan himself up on stage to play a number, shall we? The Carnival of Wealth founder comes strong with a piece on the silent killer: no, not hypertension. Inflation.

And finally, here’s a recent one of ours, on how to get tenants to make you rich.

Wanna get in on next week’s fun? The Carnival never stops. Go here for details, where you’ll find old posts, future hosts, and rules for submitting.