This is a guest post from Richard Rossi, a writer/illustrator from Greensboro, North Carolina. No, he’s not some friend of CYC whom we’re giving face time to. He’s just a talented writer who offered to help out. Check out his children’s book on sale at Costco, and/or his Syracuse sports blog. The corny jokes and the sycophantic link to CYC are all his, as is the insight:
"Giving is the true meaning of the season." Therefore, it stands to reason that the birth of Christ is the true meaning of unnecessary commerce.
I love Christmas music. “Jingle Bells”. Bing’s “White Christmas”, Elvis’s “Blue Christmas”, Chuck’s “Run, Rudolph, Run”. They help to create that festive atmosphere we all look forward to every year. Why, I can even take Alvin & The Chipmunks’ Christmas song in short doses. But this and every past Christmas season, there’s been one jingle that makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck.
“Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia”.
It all began when we started doing business with a guy and his family who were new in town. It was over dinner with our guests that my wife had the brilliant idea of sharing Christmas with them. And exchanging gifts. I was mortified. “Well, at least I can write off the cost of the gifts as a business expense next time I file taxes,” I thought. I am the cheapest man alive.
Exchanging gifts has always been traumatic for me. I’ve still got emotional scars from when I was 19 and my father, thinking that every red-blooded American male needs a power tool, bought me a chainsaw for Christmas. Never mind that I was a city kid and not very handy. If I didn’t put my eye out, I’d lop my arm off, which would make hailing a cab to return the damn thing virtually impossible. Still, that scar wasn’t nearly as bad as the one left on my 10-year-old nephew when I re-wrapped it and gave it to him the next Christmas. I may not be handy, but I’m opportunistic.
I was watching a cheesy detective show on late night TV, DragnetI think. “Jack Webb, now that guy never even bought his partner a cup of coffee,” I thought. I stewed and I contemplated. What was I going to get this guy? And then it hit me like a hot kiss at the end of a wet fist*.
“Cha-Cha-Cha-Chia”.
Sure, it was a cheap gift. $19.99 to be exact. But it was an idea. And, if the before and after pictures were to be believed, it would grow and become an attractive house plant, essentially being the gift that keeps on giving. Little did I realize how right I was.
The Chia Pet was received with a laugh and a polite “Thank you”. Realizing my faux pas, I was more than a bit embarrassed and couldn’t wait to say our goodbyes and let him toss that horrific thing in the trash. Out the door, in the car, down the wet pavement of Riverside Drive, and finally back to the security of my humble home, I had walked the holiday gift giving gauntlet and made it across, albeit it not very gracefully.
But, as they say in those infomercials, “Wait, there’s more!” For some ungodly reason my wife signed us up for the same thing the next year, with the same family. We would revisit the scene of the crime. There was no hiding. This time, however, my wife spared me the task of purchasing any gifts, no doubt to save herself from a repeat of the previous year’s embarrassment.
The fateful day came and went, but not without incident. When I opened my gift, there it was. The Chia Pet I’d purchased for my client the year before. Except, in an effort to both flaunt his handiwork and my lack thereof, he’d turned it into a clever little table lamp. He had a grin on his face that was priceless. I’d been out-cheaped.
I’ve learned my lesson. Here’s a few ideas that have worked well since, things that don’t cost an arm and a leg (see chainsaw above) and will help you avoid a repeat of the dreaded Chia Pet incident:
Shop Online
For those like me who become disoriented when anywhere within a mile of a mall, this is the answer. From gourmet gift baskets to popcorn tins, it’s all there. Just order early to avoid excessive shipping charges.
Do Your Homework
Before buying your business associate a bottle of anything, try to find out their drinking habits. You don’t want to buy expensive wine for someone on the wagon.
When a Simple Card Will Do
Don’t be afraid to avoid buying a gift altogether. You don’t want to be seen as offering a bribe to a business associate or client you barely know. Reserve gifts for folks you’ve been dealing with a while. And finally…
With Your Biggest and Best Clients
Don’t be so che-che-che-cheap.
*Thanks to Firesign Theatre for letting me borrow a line from “Nick Danger, Third Eye”.
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