The visual opposite of a Code Pink rally

If you’re male, then there is no excuse for being financially illiterate. Thanks to Fox Business Network.

Control Your Cash can make financial knowledge fun, accessible, and easy to digest, but Fox Business Network gives it a transcendent visual appeal that even a blog as good as this one can’t touch. In other words, the network is home to the most stunning women on television. All of them. They didn’t even bother hiring a Candy Crowley-type token to keep the other ones honest.

Yes, Control Your Cash makes no bones about how much we loathe news readers and their sensationalizing ilk. But the FBN women are hardly journalists in the “Miss County runner-up who does nothing but read a TelePrompTer and look confused when the weather guy throws it back to her with a joke” sense. Case in point, Shibani Joshi:

She’s a former Morgan Stanley investment banker with a Harvard MBA. Her father is vice president for manufacturing and engineering at Lucent, her mother is IT manager for an auto parts company, her husband is a vice president of a venture capital firm, and her father-in-law is a partner at one of the Big Four accounting firms. (So if you’re searching for the one non-industrious Indian on the planet, you’re going to have to keep looking.) In an ordinary gathering of several thousand people, Ms. Joshi would be easily the best-looking woman in the vicinity. On Fox Business Network, it’s all she can do to crack the top six.

This is Jenna Lee, who appears on the U.K.’s SkyNews in addition to her Fox Business duties:

Her father used to quarterback the Los Angeles Rams. Her mother is therefore the kind of woman whom a pro quarterback in Los Angeles in the 1970s would pursue. Ms. Lee is the beautiful one in the black dress.

The other beautiful one in the black dress is Alexis Glick, who also serves as the network’s vice president of business news. This woman is so confident that despite being blessed with a name seemingly engineered for a media personality (Alexis Donnelly), she adopted her husband’s onomatopoeic Dutch monosyllable/punch line surname. Here’s a more flattering picture:

What the hell, here’s all three of them:

Caption this photo. The best we could come up with was

“’Ladies, you’re hired. It’ll be the absolute worst Three Stooges remake ever, but who really cares?’”

At Control Your Cash, we understand money, not Nielsen ratings. Which is why we’re flabbergasted that CSI or NCIS or CDSIN or TCNIDS somehow manages to pull numbers on the order of dozens of times higher than that of the highest-rated Fox Business show.

We’re not close to done. This is Rebecca Diamond, nee Gomez.

Think of her as a slightly-but-not-overwhelmingly Hispanic version of Rachael Ray, only with a penchant for short skirts. And the body to carry it off. And an infinitely more agreeable voice.

She cohosts a show called Happy Hour, which begins when the market closes. The show is shot in a bar (the Bull & Bear, inside the Waldorf-Astoria.) With the exception of Front Sight Challenge, which was shot on a rifle range, the Bull & Bear is the single greatest set ever devised for a TV show. Nor would Mrs. Diamond’s outfit fly on a rifle range.

This is Sandra Smith, who on first appearance looks like she might be your garden-variety vapid news anchor:

Or not. She was director of sales at Terra Nova Institutional. That doesn’t mean she sat in a corner office reading the Neiman-Marcus catalog while sending slightly less attractive women out to call clients. It meant she handled investment management and hedge fund accounts. She traded equities and options, analyzed portfolios…all the stuff you can’t be bothered to do, which is why you’re reading Control Your Cash in the first place.

This is Nicole Petallides, who broadcasts from the NYSE floor every afternoon.

This woman is the Bob Costas of floor reporting. Impeccably coiffed, looks younger than her years, never makes a technical mistake, shops in the junior men’s section. Alright, 3 out of 4.

That leaves the undisputed queen of Fox Business’ groundbreaking coverage.

This is Liz Claman, who manages to fill out every positive stereotype of the brassy and voluptuous redhead. Ms. Claman, a spirited 45, (that’s her age, not our assessment of her looks on a scale from 0 to 10) serves as a daytime anchor with the irrepressibly professional David Asman, who clearly must be married to the most gorgeous woman in the universe.

Also, Ms. Claman’s Twitter feed is a wonderful mélange of upcoming interview tidbits coupled with stories about leopard-print pumps and her attempts at pole dancing. Hey, we’re just reporting, not editorializing.

Seriously, though, Claman’s responsible for interviewing some of business’ most insightful and renowned titans, everyone from Warren Buffett to Roger McNamee. She’s also made it into the pantheon of Historic World Smiles, joining the Mona Lisa, Ernie Banks, Cheryl Tiegs, the Cheshire Cat, the Ultra Brite Killer, and Michael Strahan.

Thanks to Mitch Kelly (Twitter.com/MitchKellyKDWN), who carries no credit-card debt and boasts a fixed-rate mortgage on the 2-bedroom house he bought at the bottom of the market, for inspiring this week’s post. Now email your cable company or watch DirecTV channel 359.

(See, it’s possible to write 800 words about hot women without being the least bit lecherous.)

Reading this post will make you sound 477% more financially literate

 

The Oklahoma/Texas border, as drawn by Muhammad Ali

“The Dow gained 50 points today.”

“The market broke 10,000.”

Do you know what either of those statements mean? To most people “The Dow” and “the market” are somewhat synonymous, but those above numbers remain abstract. Control Your Cash surveyed some of its smartest friends to see who could define the Dow. Here are a few of the answers:

“The volume of industrial stocks traded.”
No.

“An average rating (or price level) of a bunch of important stocks. I think of ‘Fortune 500’ the same way, but I figure ‘the Dow’ includes more stocks, or just stocks that are somehow related to ‘industry’.”
Yes and no.

 

“The big number that is quoted after the bell every day is an aggregate/average of all the stocks available for public purchase.”
No.

 

“Isn’t that number somehow based upon the average share price the Dow stocks traded at?”
We’re getting closer.

Things the Dow has nothing to do with:

-strength of the U.S. dollar
-price of gold
-unemployment rate
-bonds
-prime rate
-taxes
-interest rates
-how many stocks were traded yesterday, or how many shares of them were traded.

The Dow’s proper name is the Dow Jones Industrial Average. It’s a number that fluctuates throughout the trading day as particular stocks trade on the New York Stock Exchange. The number is the product of a simple calculation involving the prices of the stocks of a certain 30 companies. Though the companies, and the index, are called “industrials,” that doesn’t necessarily mean that they operate big brick factories with smokestacks. The companies are called industrials to distinguish them from transportation companies, which used to be an important distinction. In 1884 when the Dow was first calculated, railroads and steamships comprised a huge chunk of the economy. (The Dow Jones Transportation Average still exists, though few people outside the airline and trucking businesses pay attention to it.)

The Dow is simply the share prices of those 30 big stocks, added together and multiplied by 7.557486. (We’ll explain the multiplication later.) The companies aren’t the 30 biggest revenue generators in America, or even the 30 most profitable, although there’s lots of overlap. The stocks, with their prices at the close of trading on Friday, October 30 are:

3M 73.57
Alcoa 12.42
American Express 34.84
AT&T 25.97
Bank of America 14.58
Boeing 47.80
Caterpillar 55.06
Chevron 76.54
Cisco 22.81
Coca-Cola 53.31
Dupont 31.82
Exxon Mobil 71.67
General Electric 14.26
Hewlett-Packard 47.46
Home Depot 25.09
Intel 19.11
IBM 120.61
Johnson & Johnson 59.05
JPMorgan Chase 41.77
Kraft Foods 27.52
McDonald’s 58.61
Merck 30.93
Microsoft 27.73
Pfizer 17.03
Procter & Gamble 58
Travelers Insurance 49.79
United Technologies 61.45
Verizon 29.59
Wal-Mart 49.68
Walt Disney 27.37

Those sum to 1285.44. Multiply by 7.557486 to get 9714.69, and you’re done.

Most people are surprised to find out how few stocks comprise the Dow. After all, 1400 other companies trade on the NYSE, to say nothing of the additional thousands that trade on NASDAQ and other exchanges. You won’t find America’s 14th, 15th, 19th and 20th most profitable companies (Philip Morris, Occidental Petroleum, Oracle and News Corporation) on the Dow. Corning, Bristol-Myers Squibb and PepsiCo aren’t far behind, either. Still, the companies on the list represent about ¼ of all the publicly traded market value in the country. The Dow consists of the stock prices of only 30 big corporations because a) there weren’t many more than that back in 1884, and b) if it’s the 19th century and you’re using a pencil, the more companies you add, the longer the average takes to compute. Even with the advent of calculators, for some reason the unrepresentative Dow has remained the benchmark for the market.

Nothing’s permanent, mind you. General Electric is to the Dow as Chester Pitts is to the Houston Texans or Dave Mustaine is to Megadeth: the only remaining original member. On average, a company gets replaced about once a year. Two gigantic and gigantically mismanaged corporations, General Motors and Citi, were politely asked to leave the premises this past year. That’ll happen when your stock falls 99%. They were replaced by Travelers and Cisco.

There are far more comprehensive indices out there. The S&P 500 tracks…well, you can probably figure out how many companies. There’s also a Russell 3000 and a Wilshire 5000. That last one measures the worth of almost the entire market for publicly traded stocks.

Besides exclusivity, the Dow has other limitations. Look at the prices above. Some companies’ stocks trade at 9 times the price of other companies’, yet they’re all weighed equally. The chance of Pfizer stock rising $1 tomorrow is greater than that of IBM stock, simply because Pfizer is so much cheaper and its price thus more volatile. But whether IBM goes up $1 (or .8%) or Pfizer does (5.9%), the Dow rises 7.55749 points either way.

Why the 7.55749? Because of stock splits. Throughout history, some companies – Dow components or otherwise – have tried to attract more investors by doubling (or tripling, decapling, whatever) the number of outstanding shares. This is just an accounting construct that doesn’t change anybody’s actual holdings. If you own 500 shares worth $2 each before a 2-for-1 split, you’ll own 1000 shares worth $1 each after the split. Stocks normally trade in units of 100 shares, so if you wanted to invest in the company for as little money as possible, you’d only have to pay half as much as you would have had to before the split.

Another thing to keep in mind regarding the Dow: the price of a stock doesn’t tell you anything about the health of a company. That’s what financial statements are for. Non-Dow member Google closed at $536.12 Friday. That doesn’t mean Google is 31 times stronger than Pfizer is. For one thing, Google might just happen to be divided into fewer shares than Pfizer. Remember that the Dow, in its simplest terms, reflects nothing more than what people are willing to pay for the stocks of 30 large but disparate companies.

The Dow tells you only a sliver of what’s happening with the economy. Unemployment could reach 25%, an ounce of gold could cost $10,000*, the Chinese could finally cash in that gargantuan IOU and put us all to work tilling yams for Jiang Zemin’s dinner table, but the Dow could still conceivably rise if enough people want to buy enough of the underlying stocks.

There. Now you’re educated.

*Or a dollar could be worth 3.11 Aumg. See this post.

#79 in the periodic table, #1 in our hearts

Makes it harder for people to bum change off you, too.

Every news story that contains a dollar figure is a product of its time, because inflation taints everything. That’s a recurring theme in the book version of Control Your Cash, soon to be released by a major publisher if certain contingencies break the right way.

Inflation, in one paragraph: with rare exceptions, the value of money always decreases. Slowly, but consistently. Right now a dollar is worth about 2% less than it was a year ago. That 2% is fairly consistent throughout the last century. It’d take a few more paragraphs to explain why. Better yet, a future post.

When the dollar amounts get big enough, and a federal government that lost its financial moorings a long time ago starts throwing out 12- and 13- and even 14-digit numbers, you can lose perspective. It’s hard to conceive of a million of anything, let alone a billion or a trillion. Especially when those numbers get bigger every year, thanks in part to inflation.

In the late 1940s, the U.S. dollar replaced the pound sterling as the world’s reserve currency – the default that international transactions are measured in when using another currency would be impractical or confusing. Americans today still benefit from that. Just by virtue of living here, we don’t have to worry about our currency becoming gradually worthless – and our life savings evaporating.

The dollar became the reserve currency largely due to the size of the American economy and the dollar’s relative stability. (It then self-perpetuated: the more stable the dollar, the more firmly entrenched it became as the reserve currency.) But that doesn’t mean it’ll be this way forever. Just this past week, China and several Middle Eastern countries proposed inventing a new currency to supplant the weakening dollar as the denomination in which oil and other commodities should be traded. This new currency would be nothing formal and tradable, just an amalgamation of existing world currencies that aren’t the dollar. That people are taking this seriously shows the dollar is assailable.

The U.S. dollar has enjoyed a 60-year-and-counting (however tenuously) reign as a powerful medium of exchange. As impressive as that is, gold has served as a store of value for about 100 times longer.

When the government creates too much currency, that currency weakens. Inflates. Becomes less valuable. It’s not hard for this to happen: the government just needs to fire up the presses. When a government owes a lot of money, like the United States’ does, this is an easy way of giving its creditors less than what they really deserve. But, by punishing its creditors, the government also punishes anyone else who does business in dollars. Which would be all Americans.

Gold can’t be injected into the economy as quickly as dollars can. To increase the gold output, you need to find a particularly rich vein, start extracting, put thousands of hours of manpower on the task, refine, purify, separate the dross, and bring it to market. Which is exactly what the world’s gold manufacturers try to do anyway, every day they operate. It’s not easy. That’s why gold, and not cobalt nor nickel, is the historical commodity people have used for money.

Gold isn’t an objective measure of wealth, but it’s as close as we can get in the practical world. Because extra gold is so hard to introduce to the market, gold’s value won’t fluctuate as much as something issued by the Federal Reserve, the Bank of England, or the EU. That’s why financial newscasts, publications and websites prominently display the price of gold. When the price of gold goes “up” (you’ll understand the quotation marks in a minute), that’s supposed to represent something noteworthy about both gold’s scarcity and the general state of the economy.

But gold is pretty scarce no matter what. Here’s a semi-rhetorical question: why do we quote gold prices in terms of dollars, a currency continuously weakened by inflation?

Right now, gold is trading at $1049/ounce, “down” $14.90 from yesterday. The Control Your Cash book recommends again and again that in order to greater appreciate how money works, you should examine every financial transaction you engage in from the other party’s perspective. Commodity prices are no exception. Instead of quoting the price of an ounce of gold in dollars, why not say that a dollar is currently trading at 29.65 milligrams of gold (up .41 milligrams from yesterday)?

We propose our own new unit of currency: the gold milligram, symbol Aumg (prounounced “OMG”).

Here are some current exchange rates:

euro 44.18 Aumg
pound sterling 48.15
yen .33
Swiss franc 29.14
Mexican peso 2.26
renminbi 4.34

With no more than two digits before the decimal point, these numbers are easy to visualize. And because of inflation, the numbers will almost all decrease as time passes, reminding the people who use these currencies of their ever-weakening power.

Here are some more for you:

2005 U.S. dollar 73.32
1998 U.S. dollar 109.46
1968 U.S. dollar 883.49

Puts a modest 2% inflation rate into perspective, doesn’t it?

Why should we assume the dollar (or any other state-issued currency) is the objective and constant measure, and gold is the commodity with the wildly variable price? Shouldn’t it be the other way around?

The short answer to the first question is conditioning. Decades ago the United States switched its currency from one defined in terms of gold to one “backed by the full faith and credit of the United States government”, a remnant from the reliquary of charmingly naïve and obsolete buzzphrases.

It’s natural for Americans to phrase their economic thinking in terms of “dollars”. Natural, and convenient, but damaging and incomplete. When a dollar is only as weak or as strong as the Federal Reserve arbitrarily chooses to make it, then the Federal Reserve has the ability to dictate the terms of (and to a large extent, even the size of) the nation’s economy. It’s hard to find a better example of too much power concentrated in the hands of too few. You know, the issue we fought the Brits over.

By one method, the United States money supply increased 6% from 2006 to 2007. That includes not only all the currency in circulation, but all the money held in checking accounts. If a 6% increase sounds modest, consider that the world gold output increased by 1.5% last year. Which triply overstates things, because 2/3 of the gold mined last year was used for industry, jewelry, etc. The 6% figure for the increase in greenbacks is conservative, too. It doesn’t include money in savings accounts, money market accounts, nor certificates of deposit.

In 2006 the Federal Reserve stopped calculating the increase in the broadest possible definition of money; the definition that includes huge institutional certificates of deposit held by banks. (These are CDs worth several hundred times more than the thousand-dollar ones you might be holding. But because they don’t trade among individuals, the government has an excuse for removing them from the equation.) The Fed argued that the costs to collect the data outweighed any benefits, which is why it would no longer estimate how much money is really circulating through the economy.

Yes, a branch of the 21st century American government willfully stopped crunching numbers. Can you think of any scenario in which a branch of the government would do that, if it had nothing to hide? The ironic thing is that the Fed isn’t even hiding what it’s hiding: paraphrasing, they said “Citizen, this information doesn’t concern you, and you wouldn’t know what to do with it anyway. Nothing to see here.”

If the Fed released those numbers, we’d know how many trillions of dollars they’re diluting the economy with. We’d know how few Aumg it’ll take to buy a dollar next year. We’d know how badly inflation is eroding the nest eggs we’ve each spent a lifetime building.

Some estimate that the money supply is really increasing by around 16% annually. Which is more than 30 times faster than the supply of commodity gold is increasing. So which is more stable – the dollar or the Aumg?

The point of this exercise is not to argue that the next time you buy a coffee, you should offer to pay with 40 milligrams of gold. Rather, the point is to put things in perspective when, for instance, Sen. Harry Reid says health care reform will cost 59,301,000,000,000 Aumg. Or 59,301 metric tons of gold. Or 38% of all the gold ever mined.