“I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.”

Prologue, because no matter how many times we say this some people are determined to miss the point: Go ahead, get drunk. Be louder and more obnoxious extroverted than you normally are, because you equate inebriation with socialization. Do it. We really don’t care, as long as you a) keep your car far away from ours and 2) don’t try to engage us in any kind of discussion, either frank or superficial, while you’re imbibing.

Here’s a story from our local paper. Visiting Attorney Celebrates His 45th Birthday (Note: Not 19th. 45th. Our subject is deep into adulthood, a word that used to be synonymous with “responsibility”) by not only destroying a few million of his evidently abundant brain cells, but taking a hotel room down with them. Not just any hotel room, but this one. If you dance at Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas, it might look familiar: it’s the one Prince Harry gets naked at when His Royal Highness is in town. 5,829 square feet of indulgence at Wynn Las Vegas, yours for about $8000 a night.

Speaking of which, $8000 a night? It’s not like you can split the cost with 100 other guests, either. They have ballrooms for that. If you’re paying $8000 for a hotel room, you already have an aversion to money. Or at least to amassing it.

Anyhow, the attorney in the picture earned a law degree from the Northwest Pomona Valley Academy of Law La Verne and now works for his mommy’s firm in southern California. Also, he thinks he looks his best in a picture in which he appears to be bracing himself against a wall in an attempt to avoid vomiting this morning’s Miller Lites into the office carpet. He had no such reservations on his recent vacation though; overturning furniture, shattering glass, and turning the “walls, floors and drapes” into an edible fresco. $96,000+ later, the suite remains on life support, and our protagonist got to spend some time in jail. He also got sued by Steve Wynn himself, and the judge or jury who will rule against Mr. Wynn in a hospitality-related case, in Nevada, does not exist.

You’re not going to believe this, but as the police say, “alcohol was involved.” That euphemism, that use of the cowardly passive voice, always slays us. For instance, “alcohol was a factor” in the fatal car accident. Does that mean that the driver innocently and inadvertently hydroplaned on a giant puddle of vodka that was created when a tanker truck spilled? No, it means he deliberately got himself drunk and stopped caring about the consequences.

Segue? Sure! Mookie Blaylock was an all-star pro basketball player of a generation ago, most famous for 1) having a funny nickname and b) a Seattle rock & roll outfit briefly adopting that name as its own before changing it to Pearl Jam. Last week, Blaylock had a little trouble staying in his lane. But not nearly as much trouble as Monica Murphy, for whom a northbound Cadillac Escalade in the southbound lanes was the last thing she ever saw. Blaylock had an outstanding warrant for DUI, and drugs, which meant that his license was suspended at the time he killed Ms. Murphy. (The headline read “Ex-NBA guard Mookie Blaylock critically injured in car crash”. Unfortunate fella.)

Never mind killing an innocent woman. Really, never mind it: athletes, even retired ones, aren’t noted for having consciences nor empathy. But the decision to drink and drive (the cops in this case say “alcohol was not a factor,” and let’s take that with several grains of salt, applied liberally to the rim of a tasty margarita) will cost Blaylock plenty. Legal fees, bail, having to hire a driver if he gets off (and having to work for prison carpentry shop wages if he doesn’t), none of those are what you’d call economic enhancements.

And all for the reasonable price of going to a bar for the purpose of getting into a lightheaded state. Or in Mr. Pearman’s case, self-identifying as a high roller and having the corresponding spending patterns to match.

As far as we know, there is no substance on Earth that causes carpets to clean themselves, glass to unshatter, and furniture to regenerate. But even if there were, it still wouldn’t be as expensive as alcohol is. Continuing the analogy, there’s no liquid that when consumed causes an Escalade owner (or more likely, Escalade lessee) to stay with traffic and drive in a non-lethal manner.

Google “coupon” + “personal finance” right now and you’ll find thousands of imbeciles telling you that the path to monetary self-sufficiency begins with saving 34¢ on your next purchase of HeadOn™, Apply Directly to the Forehead®. Even if we restrict ourselves to comestibles, there’s still a far more forceful way to not impoverish yourself. Come on, you’re smart. See if you can figure out what is.