Archives for August 2010

Lower fees through prevarication

And just like that, this post looks like new

If you missed it, this post originally ran on The Writer’s Coin. We contemporized it for August.

When is it OK not to pay a bill? (If you’re the Hawai’i state government, “Whenever it suits you.”)

Your humble poster automates whatever finances he can, setting and then forgetting the cable bill, the phone bill, the car payment etc. This frees up time our ancestors would have spent reconciling statements and hoping that the payments would post once the checks had cleared.

A few weeks ago I received an email from…well, a company whose parent is based out of Cleveland and grosses $2 billion annually*. I patronize this company only sporadically, but they make you buy an annual membership. Like a moron, I ignored the email’s unambiguous message that said my account would auto-renew within a week.

A week later, another email. From PayPal, saying my account had been debited.

(Aside: What’s more nerve-wracking than an email from PayPal? For me it usually means I spent money for some legitimate purpose sometime in the previous month, couldn’t recall what I bought and am only remembering it now.)

I’d automatically re-upped with the Cleveland company and was now on the hook for another 363 days. The price of the membership is nominal, but I shouldn’t spend money on something I can’t justify.

I called and spoke with an Interactive Voice Responder. “So you wish to cancel your membership? Please say ‘cancel.’ Thank you.” She confirmed my cancellation, but I still had to plead my case to a human to get the charges reversed.

Once I got a real person on the line, I got creatively dishonest and explained that I was out of the country and had left the job of cancelling my membership to my girlfriend. (Because when you have to get something done, it’s always smart to wait until the last minute and put someone else in charge of it while you’re thousands of miles away.) And, as long as I was weaving fiction out of the ether, I mentioned that my girlfriend happens to have a thick Czech accent. (More lying.) And, on the day before the account was set to auto-renew, she attempted to cancel via the…Interactive Voice Responder. Yeah, that’s it. But she couldn’t, because…it couldn’t discern her heavily accented English.

I felt dirty doing this, especially when the customer service person bought my story without question. I didn’t have to defend my ridiculous charade even slightly, which left me wondering whether she was naïve or just couldn’t be bothered to treat me with the skepticism I deserved.

If you’re persistent, polite, and apologetic, you can weasel your way out of minor charges like this. Which gives you a second chance to use the money you thus recovered to buy assets and sell liabilities with. (Note: This method will not work with the IRS or almost any other federal government agency.) But it does bring up an ethical question: How wrong is this? There are degrees.

Did I receive a service and fail to pay for it?

No, unless you consider the 1½ days of membership that I received but didn’t use to be a “service”. Extrapolating from the company’s annual dues, I owe them about 6¢. Having me on the membership rolls for that period cost them a small fraction of that.

How big a deal are we talking about?

Using the traditional scorekeeping method of dollars and cents, almost nothing.

What burden am I putting on the other party?

6¢ divided by all that company’s employees? I’d have cost them more money if I’d shown up at corporate headquarters and asked to use the bathroom.

Is there a pattern?

No. I learned my lesson. Once was enough.

Social convention dictates that we honor certain legal obligations and ignore others. Making the payments on your car falls into the former category—you can’t be surprised if your car with delinquent payments gets repossessed. Paying your mortgage used to fall in that category, at least before 2007. On the other hand, driving 4 miles an hour over the posted speed limit to keep up with traffic is hardly the kind of thing you should feel guilty about doing.

So is there a special circle of Hades reserved for deadbeats like me, or have I committed the equivalent of removing the tag from a mattress I don’t own?

*Alright, it’s American Greetings’ Blue Mountain. Pretty sure the statute of limitations on microfraud is less than 3 months.

**This post is featured in the Festival of Frugality Carnival**

**This post is featured in a Real Estate Investing Carnival**

Big Fat Liar

Shown up by a man sporting a European shoulder bag. The horror

The title of the post doesn’t refer to the man in the photo, but rather to the author.

Someone found the one inaccuracy* in Control Your Cash: Making Money Make Sense, the only financial primer you need to buy for the fiscally inattentive person in your life. Thanks to Matthew Amster-Burton (pictured above), author of Hungry Monkey: A Food-Loving Father’s Quest to Raise an Adventurous Eater, for entering my life a few months too late to give any input for the book’s first edition.

Class, turn to page 128 in your books and follow along:

Let’s look at a typical fund, the Legg Mason Value Trust Fund. Like the 47 components that comprise it, the fund itself trades on a stock exchange (in this case NASDAQ, under the symbol LMVTX). That makes it an example of an exchange-traded fund.

Folklore, all of that. Amster-Burton, who evidently knows more about this than me AND who’s had a book distributed by a major publisher on a completely different topic AND who socializes over sweetbreads with Anthony Bourdain AND who transcribes guitar tablature in his spare time, explains it (edited to make me look slightly less retarded):

LMVTX is not an ETF; it’s a mutual fund. However, it has a NASDAQ ticker symbol because like most mutual funds, it uses NASDAQ’s Mutual Fund Quotation Service. You can tell LMVTX isn’t an ETF because it prices once a day at close. ETFs price in real-time like stocks. Also, mutual funds usually have 5-letter ticker symbols while ETFs have 3- or 4-.
Mutual funds still vastly outnumber ETFs, although ETFs are growing faster. There are about 7500 mutual funds in the US (according to ICI**) and about 1000 ETFs.

Hopefully, you’re so bombarded with jargon that I can come in and sound intelligent as I reattempt to explain the difference between exchange-traded and mutual funds.

A mutual fund is a basket of stocks – a few million dollars’ worth of Corning stock, a few million more of Office Depot, some Qwest, some Sirius XM, etc. The mutual fund company purchases the stocks, assembles them into a whole, then sells pieces to shareholders. Your 401(k) or IRA likely consists of a piece of a mutual fund.

There are a few dozen companies that sell mutual funds in the United States, of varying notoriety (State Farm, American Century, BB&T, Franklin Templeton etc.) Each company sells around 10-30 funds, each of those with varying degrees of risk and potential to appreciate. The funds themselves each consist of – well, in the case of the Legg Mason Value Trust Fund, the stocks of 47 companies. The funds are all pretty diffuse, too. An unscientific study shows that it’s the rare company that comprises even as much as 10% of any particular fund.

(Seriously, buy the book for a more detailed explanation of this. We’re trying to keep this post short enough that you can inhale it in one sitting.)

If you own part of a mutual fund, find out what’s in it. For all you know, your fund is heavily invested in Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. This is easy to research, even if you already forgot the name of the fund you’re in. You receive a monthly statement, either online, in the mail or at work. Find the name of the fund company (e.g., Baron Funds), enter the name of the particular fund (e.g. Asset Fund), then click on “portfolio holdings” or something similar. Don’t click on “top holdings”, which could leave as much as 80% of your fund holdings unaccounted for.

As Amster-Burton indicates, you can track a mutual fund’s performance daily (there are several sites where you can do this; we still think Yahoo! Finance is easiest to read and navigate.) But don’t ever check your investments daily, it’ll drive you insane. Monthly is good.

The Control Your Cash definition of an exchange-traded fund is still valid, if bloodied by Amster-Burton’s necessary assault. His point above accentuates the major difference between ETFs and mutual funds, the difference that’s outlined in ETFs’ very name: you can buy them on whichever exchange they trade on. Not only that, but they don’t necessarily sell for the price of the underlying stocks divided by the number of shares (the Net Asset Value.)

If enough people want to buy a particular ETF, it’ll sell at a premium. If you’re connected, motivated, savvy and fast enough, you could conceivably buy shares of the ETF’s component stocks and then immediately sell equivalent shares of the ETF. Or vice versa, if the ETF is selling at a discount. This is arbitrage, the definition of a market inefficiency and not for the rookie investor. Or even the intermediate investor. It’s basically panning for astatine.

Most, but not all ETFs are index funds (again, read your book. It means the fund contains enough constituents to track an entire stock market index.) Watch enough Sunday football and you’ll see the ads for SPDRs, pronounced like the arachnid. That stands for Standard and Poor’s Depositary Receipts, the first and largest family of ETFs. The namesake SPDR, which is also the biggest in the cluster, corresponds to the S&P 500 Index – the Dow’s more comprehensive sister.

There are ETFs that specialize in precious metals, in commodities, even in bonds or currencies. For the last couple of years, ETFs have also included a handful of actively managed funds – meaning ones whose components are chosen by a professional manager whose job, or aspiration, is to beat the market. Only about 25 of these exist, issued by a total of six companies, and few people deal in such ETFs. The ability to trade before the market closes at 4 p.m. every day doesn’t seem to be enough of a selling point for these exotic securities.

*There’s also a superfluous pair of parentheses somewhere in the book. I’d draw it to your attention but I’m thinking of doing a contest around it.

**The Investment Company Institute. ICI.org.



Health care. Cheaper than you imagined.

What if I need an operation and you didn't save enough money?

This might be the greatest deal in all of commerce right now. It’s certainly the least publicized, relative to the benefits rendered.

Pet wellness plans. Seriously. A few dollars a month for uncommon peace of mind…because animals still can’t tell you where it hurts.

America’s largest veterinary chain, Banfield, the Pet Hospital offers its Optimum Wellness Plan for a mere $23 a month if you enroll your puppy or kitten early enough. (Competing chain VCA offers a similar program.) Pricelessness now has a price – and an awfully reasonable one, too.

No matter how well you might take care of them, even the healthiest cat or dog will come down with something. A pet wellness plan saves you money on everything from vaccinations to dental treatments to comprehensive exams and all sorts of lab work. Pet wellness plans even cover free checkups when you notice something out of the ordinary. One routine tooth cleaning for your dog can end up running $600 without a plan, and God forbid if your cat needs to be dewormed or something. With a pet wellness plan, it’s all covered.

At first mention, the very concept of a pet wellness plan might sound a little too esoteric to be legitimate – the veterinary equivalent of an extended vehicle warranty or rustproofing.

But a pet wellness plan is different. Don’t confuse it with insurance, which operates differently in the sense that with insurance you’re paying for something (fire coverage, death benefits) that you hope you’ll never use. A pet wellness plan is really just a steep discount on something you’ll almost certainly buy anyway, in exchange for a long-term commitment from you. For all parties to the transaction, it’s an unequivocal win-win-win. The pet hospital gets a customer, hopefully for life, who’ll have little incentive to seek out a competing veterinarian. You get across-the-board savings. And your pet gets better care than humans receive in some Third World countries.

My two cats of indeterminate pedigree – one from a shelter, the other from a garbage can – both joined the family at the age of 6 weeks or so. Each got their requisite vaccinations and sterilizations at the recommended time, at which point it was time to shop for a permanent physician. We enrolled them in wellness plans the moment we digested the literature, and the $276 annual investment paid off before their first birthdays. Administer an infectious peritonitis vaccine here ($24), a metronidazole prescription there ($35)…add an MRI to determine the cause of a blockage, or treatment to reduce the swelling from a scorpion bite, and your vet bill can add up quickly.

But a pet wellness plan reduces the standard office visit fee from $35 to 0. It lowers the payment on some in-office treatments by 75%. And it gives you 7-day-a-week care transferable to any pet hospital in the chain. The comprehensive exams alone (rectal, ophthalmic and many more) justify the cost of the plan, and then some.

You won’t have to ask your HMO for reimbursement, either. While a visit to the vet will probably never be enjoyable for the patient, a pet wellness plan can make that visit a lot more palatable for the patient’s chauffeur.

**This post is featured in the Carnival of Personal Finance #271**

**This post is featured on the Road to Financial Independence Carnival**