Financial Retard of the Month, By Request

Our relationship was fleeting, but intense

We swear to God, we don’t go looking for this stuff.

Let’s just give Trent Hamm of The Simple Dollar the lifetime achievement award, Retard of Eternity, and be done with it. But even Trent Hamm at his cheapest doesn’t complain about the hand life dealt him. Far from it, in fact. He sees possibility in everything, even a gently used Ziploc bag or a toothpaste tube with a milligram of Crest left inside.

No, for complaining about the world and the curveballs it throws we have to go to the profane, portly woman at So Over Debt, the most self-defeating honoree we’ve had so far. Her site’s very subtitle illustrates the problem:

A single mom’s journey – not to financial freedom, because that’s out of reach – but to breathing room. 

What do we have there?

Self-categorization. Is it relevant that she had a child, and doesn’t have a husband? She thinks it is.

Pessisism writ large. “not to financial freedom, because that’s out of reach”. Why? One of the Control Your Cash principals was a single mom at one point – and a college dropout, unlike the highly educated Ms. So Over Debt – and financial freedom wasn’t out of reach for her.

(This is why we started the RotM series. Most of our winners so far have been people who live their lives not even realizing that they are living, breathing bad examples. People who can’t get ahead financially and can’t understand why, even though the answer is staring them in the face [if they happen to be looking in the mirror.]  Buy assets, sell liabilities isn’t just a mindless mantra to be recited, it’s a never-fail method for building wealth. And something this month’s winner would never bother applying to her life, not when she can make excuses and blame the world.)

Ms. So Over Debt’s 2-part bio illustrates the problem in even greater detail. She explains why she’s poor, or at least incapable of financial freedom. She had a kid at 15, spent tons of money on a college degree that enables her to now take home somewhere in the neighborhood of $600 per pay period in her chosen field, got divorced, and smokes. We’re not sure about you, but that sounds to us like the kind of person who should be writing about personal finance. But still, every part of her misfortune is someone else’s fault:

First, my landlord called on Memorial Day to tell me he was selling our rental house out from under us. We had lived there 2 1/2 years, always paying the rent on time, and I was a blubbering mess by the time I got off the phone.

From “under (you)”? Because you have a say in the transfer of someone else’s house? It doesn’t matter if you paid the rent on time, or never did. The house is the landlord’s to sell as he wishes. That doesn’t mean he can kick you out before your lease is up, assuming you’re honoring its terms, but his decision to sell an asset has nothing to do with your promptness or delinquency. Although it’s adorable that you think it might.

And if being told the house you live in is being sold (or more to the point, that your lease isn’t being renewed) results in crying, how do you handle legitimate crises?

In February 2005, my grandmother died unexpectedly on my 22nd birthday.

Multiple-choice quiz time. Will she use the death of a grandparent as an excuse for some other misfortune?

1. Yes
2. No

The answer is c), Of course.

I watched helplessly as my entire family fell apart, each of us turning to our own (mostly unhealthy) coping skills to make sense of what had happened.

Lady, grandparents die. It’s what they do. Most of us grieve briefly, remember the good times if any and move on. But we have to admit, your method sounds way more exciting.

This woman is exemplary for showcasing how to never, ever build wealth:

1. Get pregnant at 15? Check.
2. Smoke? Check.
3. Get divorced? Check. Not that getting divorced isn’t sometimes necessary, but…well, you can read our comment on her site to see our argument. Assuming she hasn’t deleted it yet.
4. Find the cloud in every silver lining? Check. We’d include a representative quote from her, but it’s hard to pick just one. So here are 5:

Last Friday, my doorbell rang. I was expecting a friend, so I opened the door with a big smile on my face. Imagine my surprise when I saw a sheriff’s deputy standing on my porch! He was serving me with papers from the collection agency. They are suing me for the $800 I owe (plus some lovely legal fees). I have 20 days to respond, otherwise they’ll be granted a default judgment against me.

First, let me tell you how humiliating it is to have a cop show up at your door. This has never happened to me before. And I know the cop, which made it even more embarrassing. He looked very apologetic and promised he didn’t look at any of the paperwork, which I know is a total lie. Also, Jayden had a friend over to spend the night. This friend had never been to our house before.

And then, seconds later:

Unfortunately, my options are very limited. As you all know, my emergency fund is pretty much depleted thanks to my crappy paychecks. 

Which links to a post titled “I’ve Really, Really Screwed Up”, which contains the following piece of inspiration:

When the other therapists were trying to convince me to come to this job full time, they mentioned that the first few pay periods were pretty rough. I was prepared for that. Now that I’m there and I’m freaking out, they’re telling me it’s more like the first YEAR before all the billing catches up and I start getting real paychecks. Thanks, assholes.

Then, the dizzying crescendo:

I have spent the past few weeks searching desperately for a job. I even talked to my old boss about going back to the job from hell

We’re sure the old boss would be delighted to know how highly you think of the old job. Hell, who wouldn’t want to hire someone like that? Grab her now while she’s still on the market!

The larger point is that living at the mercy of bosses (whom you might have to go back and grovel to) is no way to live. No wait, there’s a still larger point. Which is that effort is no substitute for results:

It’s kind of ironic that I worked so hard to build a safety net and make good choices, yet I’m sitting here with no safety net left. My income is all I have to depend on – I don’t have a spouse to pick up the slack.

It’s awesome when a slow learner proves our points for us.

First off, you didn’t make good choices. You made mind-boggingly awful choices, such as starting a new job without even knowing the pay scale. 

And let’s requote her quote, seeing how poignant it is:

My income is all I have to depend on – I don’t have a spouse to pick up the slack.

See above. Having a spouse to pick up the slack, or at the very least not eliminating a spouse from your life, is a great way to not be poor.

We were going to present her with the Retard of the Month prize (a carton of Marlboros, a trial membership to Match.com, an illustrated brochure that explains how to safely use a treadmill, and a voucher for one free class at the trade school of her choice, so she can learn at least one marketable skill), but fate intervened. Not only did she prevent us from commenting on her site, she took her ball and went home.

It takes an especially sensitive little girl to a) forbid non-spammers from posting on her site, and b) deny them access to her server. No wonder she cries when her landlord makes a transaction she doesn’t like. Ms. So Over Debt, this one’s for you. Try not to cry (again).